The World According to Me...

View from the Top: Part 3

2009-11-16T15:27:00.000-08:00

So today was our annual Thanksgiving lunch at school. One of the moms had a 2 month old baby, and I offered to hold her while Mom ate with her kinderbaby. I'll admit, my biological clock is ticking, but it's not ticking so loudly that I feel the need to find the nearest sperm donor and get knocked up!

While I rocked this precious little one to sleep, more than one person came to me and said I looked maternal, or like a natural, holding the baby. Yep..that's right, I guess I have the mommy gene. And I'm cool with that. I WANT kids. I've ALWAYS wanted kids. But right now? uhhh no. Not with school, not with being single.

And when I was asked why I didn't have kids, I gave those reasons. The response? You don't need a husband to have a baby!

EXCUSE ME??? Have you met me? This top of the tree apple does in fact NEED and WANT a husband before I have a baby. I don't want to go through it alone! Do think single moms are amazing? ABSOLUTLY! Would I choose to do it all by myself? Not unless I'm 40 and have adopted a kid...because that's my plan...

I get that I'm "old fashioned". But when did it become ok to say "screw it" and just let my morals fall by the wayside? PLEASE don't misunderstand me. I get that things happen. I'm absolutly NOT saying that being a single parent is wrong or immoral. What I am saying is that it's not right for me. If I do get to the point that I want a child, I'll adopt a kid who needs a good home, because I know there are plenty out there!

I'm just floored....

me...

2009-11-15T19:33:00.000-08:00

crazy
shy
timid
fearless
outgoing
quiet
loud
determined
confident
not so sure of myself
selfish
giving
head in the clouds
down to earth
21st century
old school
independent
easy going
stubborn
control freak
scared
absent minded
me.

Diving In...

2009-11-15T12:37:00.003-08:00

Remember when you were little and were learning how to swim? First you got to play in the little kiddie pool and splashed around, or maybe your parents put those water wings on you, and you got to splash around in the shallow end of the pool...but once you learned how to swim, you just dived in, right? No more sticking your toe in, or cautiously wading in...you just ran and jumped in, trying to make the biggest splash possible...

Isn't how we approach life kind of like that? Some of us are still splashing around the kiddie pool...afraid to even stick our toe in. Some of us have stuck our toe in and are cautiously wading in deeper, but afraid to go all in. And some of us have just run and jumped in, not even caring whether or not we can swim. But then there are those of us who have gone to the deep end, were comfortable there, and then drowned. And once we came up for air, we vowed we'd never do that again, because quite frankly, the experience sucked.

Until something comes along that makes us want to dive in again....

And yet there we stand, on the edge of the pool, sticking our toe in, so desperately wanting to be in the pool, but afraid of what might happen. We have every floatable contraption on us, so that we don't drown. And while we think we're protecting ourselves so that we can have fun, what we're really doing is keeping ourselves from fully experiencing the deep end of the pool.

Or maybe we're actually in the pool, but still in the shallow end where our feet can touch the ground...or maybe we're actually in teh deep end, but holding on to the edge of the pool.

Regardless of where we are, the real fun comes from letting go and diving in. Trusting that even though we can't swim that well, the person we're with won't hurt us while we're there. And if they do? We doggy paddle to the edge or yell for help, and pull ourselves out of the deep end, so that we can take a deep breath and try all over again...

So...where are you? I know that I'm not in the deep end yet...but I'd like to be...

Randomness

2009-11-15T12:36:00.001-08:00

1. i don't like being the outsider...it sucks.
2. usually, i get what i go after...except when it comes to ________.
3. being patient is a virtue, and one that i'm getting increasingly better at.
4. my teens are pretty dang smart. I continue to be inspired by them. i <3 them!
5. if it's meant t be, it'll happen no matter how stubborn I am.
6. re: #2 and #3...grrrrrr
7. actions speak louder than words...
8. sometimes adults are just as bad as kids...
9. the picture in my head no longer exists...it's gotten pretty fuzzy as the years go by...
10. i took the first step into making a dream of mine a reality...will find out more in december. prayers please!
11. proverbs 31...know it, love it, own it, be it (or at least strive to be it...)
12. who i was (or rather who people percieved me to be) is NOT who i am anymore...

What People See...

2009-11-15T12:36:00.000-08:00

I had a long conversation with someone via text tonight...it was fun and flirtatious...one of those playful banter conversations that bring a smile to your face when you see that little text message icon pop up on your cell phone. And during this multihour text conversation, my past came back to haunt me. Granted, my past isn't bad. I don't have any skeletons in my closet that i'm not willing to share. I don't regret anything from my past because it molded and shaped me into the woman I am today.

However.

It's amazing to me that people (men) still see something in me that never was, isn't, nor ever will be...

The State of Dawn

2009-11-15T12:35:00.001-08:00

Every year on my birthday, I write a "state of teh union" address...tonight, the guy @ Potbelly asked me what I wanted for my birthday...did I want anything special, he asked...well, here's my response.

I want money...to pay off all my bills and my family's bills.

I want true love...to be with the man of God's dreams for me, to start a family, and build a life together...

I want peace, in all areas of my life where there's unrest.

And then, in thinking of all the things that I want for my birthday, I realized that what I do have, is MORE than what I could ever ask for.

Yes, I have bills to pay...more bills than I'd like to pay. However, I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my fridge, electricity to run that fridge, a car to drive, and tons of NON-essentials that I'm very blessed to have.

Yes, I want true love. I want a husband and a family. However, I"m blessed with the unconditional love of God, my father. I'm also blessed with the unconditional love of my family and my friends. My husband, well he'll come soon enough, IF and WHEN God is ready to share me.

Yes, I want peace. But peace can also be misinterpreted as complacentcy. I have peace in my life. The areas of unrest are areas where I know I'd like to see change, but for whatever reason, God's still working on those aspects of my life. Those areas of unrest are like a grain of sand in an oyster. Although annoying and pesky, eventually that unrest will turn in to a beautiful pearl of life!!

I have to say, I was not looking forward to my 30th year, but what a blast it has been. Like a fine wine, I get better with age, and I'm looking forward to sharing my 31st year (any many many many more) with each and every one of you.

Love you!!

~d

When God Answers Prayer...

2009-11-15T12:34:00.002-08:00

He doesn't shout them from the roof tops.
He doesn't strike you with a bolt of lightening.
He doens't use flashing neon signs.

It would be nice if He did...wouldn't it?

He doesn't write it on your forehead.
He doesn't paint it on a billboard.
He doesn't even put on TV...

or does He?

I think when God answers prayer,
He does so quietly.
It's a whisper
It's a grace
It's sometimes so small
we don't even notice.

I think when God answers a prayer,
somewhere deep inside,
you know.
Only, you don't realize it...
until you do.

I think when God answers a prayer,
He uses me,
He uses you,
and sometimes,
He uses someone you don't know.
A stranger.

I think when God answers a prayer,
He whispers it you
and you'll hear it in your soul.

View from the Top: Part 2

2009-11-15T12:34:00.001-08:00

I didn't think part 2 would be necessary when I wrote the first note. But apparently it is...

At dinner with friends tonight, the following question was asked:

When did it become okay for men to stop opening doors, pulling out chairs, and be chivalrous?
When did it become okay for men to stop pursuing women?
When did it become okay for a woman to pay for her own meal on a date?

There are all these books for women on how to find, date, and keep Mr. Right, but are there books for men on how to find, date, and keep Miss Right?!

Are men so afraid of offending, or dare I say REJECTION, that they don't know how to 'man up' and take control of a dating situation? I'm sorry if I offend, but I'm just trying to understand WHY men don't pursue women anymore...

I realize that there's women's lib, and women like to be independent, and don't need men to do a lot of things for them, HOWEVER, this is one independent women who likes to be pursued. I realize it's okay for women to ask men out, and call men, and pursue men, are we doing a disservice to men by being TOO independent?

I'd LOVE your thoughts (from men AND women) on this...

The View from the Top...

2009-11-15T12:34:00.000-08:00

You know that apple email/poem that people like to send single women? You know...the one about how we're all "top of the tree apples", but sometimes we feel like we're crap because no one (guys) don't pick us? The poem that says we don't fall of the tree for just anyone to pick us, we patiently wait at the top for the "right" guy to pick us? And it goes on to say that us "top of the tree apples" start to feel like we're not worthy, and we'll never be "picked". you know... THAT poem...you know which one I'm talking about?

And you know how when you're single, everyone wants to suggest books to you based on the following topics: "you're single, deal with it" books or "how to find a husband in 4 days" or something like that...

And then begins the advice...

WELL.

LET ME JUST TELL YOU. I'M SICK OF ADVICE.

So, here's a little something I call (drumroll please....)

The View from the Top

Thoughts from a single girl to the rest of you...

You see, I'm a top of the tree apple. I have my $**t together. I'm a woman of God, educated, I'm financially stable, I own my condo. I haven't used a credit card in years. I'm fairly easy going, and like the rest of you out there, I have my quirks. Basically, not to toot my own horn, but I have a lot going for me, and I know I'm going places. And although I'm going places, I really don't want to go it alone. Yes, I'm single and fiercely independent, but there are days a hug from that special guy, or just cuddling on the couch with him would make things all better.

HOWEVER. (yes, that deserved all caps).

People (bless their little hearts) can be hurtful without realizing. Those that love us top of the tree apples, really want what's best for us. They want us to be as blissfully (insert sarcasm here) happy and in love as they are. They think, that we can't possibly be as happy as they are unless we're married. And, maybe they're right. I don't know. I've never been married. I know how flippin happy I am most days. I know how truly and incredibly blessed I am each and every day. Throw being in love on top of that, and I just might be on cloud 9. Being in love really gets you goofy. I won't lie...I love that feeling!

Us self-confident top of the tree apples, every once in a while, have those self-doubting moments, where we feel like we're crap, and we'll never find Mr. Right. We feel like we're pond scum, and no guy will ever want us because we're too stubborn, not cute enough, our butts/noses/heads are too big, too quirky, too smart, or too independent (or maybe that's just me....).

And it seems, that when we get into these funks, you married folks seem to be drawn to it like a monkey to a banana cake. It's like you can sense it (or it is REALLY written all over our faces??). And when we get into these self-depreciating modes (sorry for the psychobabble), that's when the "advice" comes in.

"You're just to pretty for your own good"

"If you'd get your nose out of a book, you'd find Mr. Right" (personal rebuttal...I'm STUDYING!!!)

"You're too intimidating"

"He's just too stupid to realize what's in front of him" (oh, wait...that one's actually true ;-) ).

So us top of the tree apples are basically being told to ugly it up, dumb it down, and look weak. I know, I know...that's not what you're saying, but that's the way it comes across when we're in these funks. And those words, albeit meant to be helpful and funny, really do a lot more damage to our hearts and heads than you realize.

Unfortunately, you'll never know when we're in these funks, because we're masters at hiding it. We don't want you to know that altough we love being single most days, we (or maybe just I) would much rather have what you appear to have...a fabulous relationship (note, I said RELATIONSHIP and not one night stand or hook-up) in which we can share all the great things that our going on in our lives. We really do want this for ourselves one day. Today might NOT be the day for some, but for others it is. And then there are those singles who are perfectly content being single for the rest of their lives. I'm not one of them, but if that's what God wants for me, I'll deal with it.

So...bottom line married/attached folks. Love your single people. Honor them, cherish them, envy them. But stop with the advice. If you REALLY want to help them...set them up (with their permission of course) with an ELIGIBLE suitor...and by eligible, I mean not someone who just happens to be single...set them up with someone you think will be a good match for them. Actually THINK about it!

And if you're single and don't want to be anymore (and this is specifically for the guys out there)...GO AFTER YOUR GIRL! Pursue her! Call her! Flirt with her! Yes us top of the tree apples are independent, yes, we go after what we want, BUT this is ONE area in which she might not want to be in control...MAN UP men!!! Don't let her intelligence/independence (or your insecurity) get in the way!! GO AFTER IT!!! You'll know if she's into you...

Randomness

2009-11-15T12:33:00.000-08:00

If you drag your feet long enough, you'll miss out on a good thing...yes, i'm talking to YOU. ;-)

Sigh...I have champagne dreams on a tap water budget. Why can't I recklessly spend and use my credit card like so many others?

Strength is not just a physical aspect, but mental and emotional too. Since that's the case, I'm ripped!!!

The morning after the 7 hours from hell, I realized that I had truly forgiven him...not just in words, but in my heart.

I'm a 'top of the tree' apple dammit. Just patiently waiting to be picked...but not just by anybody. I DO have standards.

Oh, and a Proverbs 31 woman. If you don't know it, you should.

You are a buttmunch. yes, i'm talking to YOU...;-)

I have crazy dreams for myself...crazy insane dreams...and one day, they WILL come true...I feel it in my bones...God's fabulous isn't He?

I can't believe I'm working on a doctorate...when/how the heck did THAT happen?

Hi my name is Dawn and I'm addicted to shoes, purses, chocolate, and hugs.

ugh...

2009-11-15T12:32:00.000-08:00

it's 10:36pm on a sunday night. i'm on summer break, and rather than celebrate the fact that i'm summer break, i'm lying in bed, slightly peeved that i missed out on hanging out with friends this weekend. this doctorate is SERIOUSLY putting a damper on my social life. i've had to miss out on pool parties, lunch dates, birthday celebrations, and despite the 4.0 that i'm currently happy about, not much else to show for it. i know in the end, it'll be worth it...but in the mean time, i'm seriously not happy with this program. family time has drastically been cut down, friend time has been drastically cut down...me time has drastically been cut down...and i'm not doing my usual 'wait till the last minute because i work much better under pressure' routine...i'm ACTUALLY reading the chapters, and doing the research, and not BSing my way through class as i have in previous programs. i'm ACTUALLY putting forth the effort. and i'm not having fun...well, i do when i'm with my class and we're goofing off, but in the mean time...it sucks. i miss my life, and i miss my friends.

:-(

2009-11-15T12:31:00.001-08:00

I keep coming back to Jeremiah 29:11-14. If you don't know what it says, here it is:

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. [a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

Ok, now about these plans. Ever since I was a little girl, there were two plans I had for myself. 1. Be a teacher, 2. Get married and have kids.

Well, plan 1 happened, 2, hasn't...yet. I haven't given up on that one yet, although there are days when I wonder...

ANYWAYS... being a teacher. I never looked past that. that was the ceiling for me. It was all I ever wanted. Even after college, I had no desire to go back and get my masters. And then one day, I did. And being a counselor has been MORE than I could have ever imagined. I LOVE my job (most days). I LOVE the kids I work with (most days), and for a while, I felt like I had finally found my calling.

And then, one day, there was a little nudge. I ignored it. The nudge became a stronger little pull...again, I ignored it. And one day, it came to me...a community center. Open a non-profit community center in the heart of TC. I didn't grow up in TC, I have no ties to TC, but for some reason, I feel led to plant myself there. Somehow, without my consent, TC planted itself in my heart. I had no idea HOW, or WHEN, or WHY, but I KNEW that it would happen one day. And then the plan came...at least on paper. The name, the set up, how it would work, what would be offered...it's all there, on a sheet of paper that somehow has withstood the test of time, and multiple passings of my mother's habit of throwing things away...it slipped to the back of my head, and then once again, I had a tiny nudge telling me to go back to school.

So, here I am...insanely working on this degree called a doctorate. I know it'll be worth it, but the past year has been CrAzY to say the least...again, didn't see this coming. But once again, I felt a nudge reminding me of that community center. STILL not sure how it would happen, STILL not sure it WOULD happen...and then one day, it came to me...I've been saying for years (at least 3) that my school needed an after school program. I've made phone calls, talked to people, who are ALL in agreement that it needs to happen, but no starting off point. Guess what?! That's how I get the community center. Start it off as an after school program....but the administrative part. I know NOTHING about that...

and then there was that dang nudge again..."you're not done yet...." was what I kept hearing..."I have MORE for you..." is what I kept hearing...and then, it came to me again..."get your midmanagement certification"....WHAT?! i HAVE NO FLIPPIN DESIRE TO BE AN AP OR A PRINCIPAL...ARE YOU ON CRACK GOD??? Apparently HE is smoking some holy weed or something (sorry if that offends anyone...) While i'm down here wondering what the HECK is going on with my life, He's up there, intertwining the fabric of my life...taking this thread and sewing it to that one, and slowly creating this masterpiece that I didn't anticipate.

And on top of it all, it all falls in line with my dissertation...and if all works out the way I pray it does, I'll get the funding for my afterschool program this year, to start it next year, to gather data for my research just in time for all my coursework to be finished!!!

I had this one plan for my life. He has taken that plan, smashed it in a billion pieces, and opened door number 2...saying, "THIS is my plan for you...if you'll let me, I'll show you the way..."

and here I am...very cautiously taking that step through that door. Again, I have NO idea where I'm going, but with GOD leading me, it can only be good!!!

Cheese 'n Crackers vs. the Banquet

2009-11-15T12:30:00.002-08:00

Note: This is a repost from 2007...

For those of you who know, I'm a cradle Catholic. I LOVE being Catholic, I love the traditions, I love the history, I love God. But there are times where I feel like I'm not being spirtually fed, and in times such as these, I pray, and sometimes, I go to a different church just to get another perspective. This Sunday, I was led to Grace Community, a non-denominational church. I know that some of my Catholic friends may scoff at the idea of going to a church of a different denomination, and they are entitled to their own opionion. For me though, it's not about religion, it's about the relationship, and the message that I got this Sunday, was not one that I think I would have gotten out of Mass.

Anyways, Pastor Scott started off the message asking us if we were hungry...not spiritually hungry (as one would expect at a church service), but physically hungry. He said he knew that sometimes us churchgoers get hungry in the middle of worship, and that he knew there were times when he wanted a snack in the middle of church...but who does that? Eat in the middle of worship??? uhhh NO WAY! The next thing I knew, the ushers were coming in with boxes of cheese and crackers for everyone in the congregation. Seriously, they were passing out little packages of cheese and crackers. Now, I did not open my package, although I was starving, but those around me were tearing into their packages like a starving monkey on banana cake.

Pastor Scott then starts talking about a variety of things...he talks about the Prodigal Son, he talks about inheritance, he talks about if God created the world in 6 days, the Heaven must be beautiful because He's been working on that for 2000 years...we must live in a garbage dump (I found this particular thought very profound)

But what got me was the following:

We work so hard at building our lives...but are they really ours to build? All the things we have, all the things we ask for, they mean absolutly nothing if it's not what God has in store for us...if it's not God's will, then what's the point? Of course, God gave us free will, so we always have a choice, but when it all boils down to it, are we settling for the cheese and crackers that we earn ourselves, or are we waiting for the banquet that God has for us? Think about it. Think about all that has happened in your life. Is it God-inspired or is it something else?

This is what I learned...if I want to truly live God's will, I have to hand EVERYTHING in my life over to HIM. Me being the control freak that I am, have to hand it all over...I can't keep grabbing it back when I think I can handle it on my own (ie: my dating life). How else is He supposed to work in my life if I do that? Seriously, in my life, do I really just want the cheese and crackers? Or, do I want the banquet? Quite frankly, I want the banquet. I want it all. I want whatever God has in store for me, and in order to do that, I have to let Him have control. I have to hand it all over, and just trust. I have to let go and let God.

Don't you think it's time you did?

Thank You Sir Uncle!!

2009-11-15T12:30:00.000-08:00

When I was a little girl, if you had asked me if I wanted to take a road trip with my dad to Connecticut, I would have enthusiastically said yes. I would have been excited about it, would have been bragging to all my friends, and would have been looking forward to it for weeks.

If you had asked me the same question when I was a teenager, I still would have gone...maybe not as enthusiastic about it, but I sitll would have gone.

You couldn't have PAID me to go when I was in college, or in my twenties. I would have laughed in your face, and called you crazy.

But, just yesterday, Friday, April 17, I returned from a weeklong trip with my dad. There's no way I could have said no. My great "Sir" Uncle Attis passed away on Thursday, April 9. He was a great man to whom my dad looked up to. They often spoke for hours on end, just talking about life, family, and the problems of the world. My dear sweet "sir" uncle took my dad under his wing, and advised him on many things. He listened to my dad, as did my dad to him. A lot of who my dad is today is because of Uncle Attis, and for that I'm very greatful.

Going into this trip, I was hopeful. Hopeful that we wouldn't get into WW3 (or 4 or 5 or 6); hopeful that we would have a decent time, and were both mature enough to know when to walk away and not annoy each other (as we're known to do). My dad and I haven't always gotten along. There have been days, weeks, and months, that we've gone without speaking to one another. Often times, it was over something trivial, and usually it was my mom who had to play "gobetween" in our ongoing feuds. We're both so senstivie and stubborn. Always walking on eggshells around each other because we don't want to say or do something to upset the other. It's frustrating really, so to say that I was going on this trip with my dad without reservation would have been a lie.

But, that's exactly what I did. I went on this trip, because I knew how much Uncle Attis meant to my dad, and I did not want him to make this trip on his own. Despite our arguements in the past, I felt that for one week, I could put it aside and just be there for my Daddy.

What a week it has been. From the time we left, the trip was wonderful. We laughed till we cried, and we cried till we laughed. Memories were made and I saw a very different side to my dad. I saw a man who has extreme will power and determination. I saw a man whit unconditional love for his family. I saw a man who has a heart of gold. Of course, I knew all of this from the get go, but this week, it was like God himself, took a cloth and polished my dad up like new...

My uncle's passing is indeed sad and heartbreaking, but I can't help wonder if "Sir" Uncle knew what he was doing when he passed...yes, we're all sad, yes, we all miss him. He left an unfillable hole in each of our hearts. But, if he hadn't passed, my dad and I wouldn't have taken this trip together. I wouldn't have bonded with Rah-knee (love you girlie!!), and I wouldn't have a new outlook on my family...yep, "Sir" Uncle knew exactly what he was doing, and for that, I'm very thankful...

2009-11-15T12:21:00.000-08:00

The following song is AMAZING and perfectly captures what I'm feeling at this exact moment....how do you show people who you truly are??? Seriously, there are maybe 3 people in the ENTIRE world who truly know me....

'Behind the Scenes' by Francesca Battistelli

You may think
I’m just fine
How could anything
Ever be out of line?

I take my time
To set the stage
To make sure everything
Is all in place

Even though I’ve got the lines rehearsed
A picture only paints a thousand words

(Chorus)
Things aren’t always what they seem
You’re only seeing part of me
There’s more than you could ever know
Behind the scenes
I’m incomplete and I’m undone
But I suppose like everyone
There’s so much more that’s going on
Behind the scenes

Sometimes I can’t see
Anything
Through the dark
Surrounding me
And at times I’m unsure
About the ground
Beneath my feet
If it’s safe and sound

When it’s hard to find hope in the unseen
I have peace in knowing it will find me

(Chorus)

You may think I’m just fine
How could anything ever be out of line?

(Chorus)

The Dating Game...

2009-11-15T12:20:00.000-08:00

ok...this whole dating thing is quite confusing to me...
boy meets girl.
boy is interested in girl.
boy flirts with girl for 6 months.
girl tries to ignore boy but boy is quite persistant.
girl gets over herself and gives boy a chance.
girl is pleasently surprised by all the fun she's having, however...
apparently boy is only interested in her Monday-Friday...weekends are off limits.

this is crazy to me.

3 dates have been broken this week...all by him, because he was tired, or bummed because of something that happened at work.

is it rude to expect a courtesy call? i don't care if our plans weren't officially confirmed...we talked about it, he said he'd let me know, and then nothing...not a text, not a call, nada.

i hate the game playing. i hate it!!! it should not be this hard should it? seriously? as much as i would love to find 'the one', the process of finding him is horrible.

Grrr....

2009-01-19T12:34:00.000-08:00

Is there a sign on my forehead that i'm unaware of? Seriously...does it say somewhere on me that my emotions are a toy? Do I give off the vibe that I'm not capable of a relationship and only good for games??? I'm sooo sick of guys pursuing me, and then the MINUTE I show interest, they drop me like a hot potato and get all goofy.

All I want is for a nice, decent, God fearing man to look at me and say, "hey, she could be the one!"...why is it so hard to find that? what's wrong with wanting to be pursued and treasured???

I know I'm worth it, which is why I guard my heart, I don't want to get hurt, yet when I finally figure out that I'm actually interested in the guy, it seems as though i've waited too long and they've lost interest!

what's a girl to do???

New Year's Resolutions...revisited

2008-12-31T16:01:00.000-08:00

So, after perusing a year's worth of blogs, I finally found them...my resolutions for 2008...here they are (as well as my thoughts and comments)...

to forgive
I forgave myself...for many things. For not living to my true self, for walking away from God, for doubting myself, and not standing up for myself

to find
I found God again...and many long lost friends :-)and I found me again (if you knew what I truly went through in 2008, you just might understand what I mean...only a chosen few truly know...)

to let go
I finally let go of "him" and the idea of what he meant to me...

to love
Unconditionally. I do :-) and to even entertain the idea of falling in love again. (i know some of you don't think I fell in love in 3 months, but I did...)

to stand
up for myself...I did! woo hoo. Sometimes, you have to. Sometimes you have to walk away from those who bring nothing but darkness to your sunshiny days.

to give
of myself. To my family, to my friends, to my coworkers and students, and to the community.

to pray
well, actually, to start praying again. like I said...I walked away from God. But He and I are BFF again :-) I'm loving my hour at the Chapel...look forward to it each week!

to honor
myself...To not do anything that in 20 years I might regret...in other words, if I'm ashamed of it now, I'd be ashamed of it then...and I didn't want that. To honor my family as well, for all that they have done for me. I think I've done that. At least I hope so. To honor my friends as well...I hope I've honored each of you...

to laugh
till I cried...and i did...MANY times. THANKS for the memories!

to not regret
I don't regret anything...any moment, any memory, any action.

to not hold back
and I haven't. ask me a question, and I'll tell you the answer :-)

to be honest
to each and everyone of you...in my thoughts and actions, in my conversations, and all aspects of my life. I have :-)

to live
life to the fullest...to be my truest self. to be my authentic self. I can say that I have!

Happy New Years Everyone!

I did what?!

2008-11-23T18:31:00.001-08:00

It's been a week. This time last week, I was sitting in Mi Tierra's in San Antonio having dinner with GCRC, the greatest running club ever. This time last week, I was sititng there, barely conscious, with a heavy piece of hardware hanging from my neck. This time last week, I had just completed my first FULL 26.2 MARATHON!

I'm still having trouble comprehending it. I still haven't wrapped my head around what I did. It's STILL a blur to me.

I can tell you this though...the first 5 miles, although cold, were fairly easy. On a scale of 1-10, 1 being a mosquito bite, and 10 being childbirth, I think the pain factor was maybe a 3. My ankles were killing me, as they often do, but I wasn't giving in. Shortly after mile 6, I broke my cardinal rule of not going to the bathroom during a race, and took a 20 minute break waiting for the restroom at the Valero station (still haven't used a port-a-pottie!!! woo hoo!). Miles 6-13 were ok, just painful, and I wasn't sure I could do it, although failure wasn't an option. 13-26.2 were a complete blur. I just remember long, quiet, desolate roads going through the missions of San Antonio. I don't remeber what I thought about or what I contemplated...actually, I don't think I thought about much during that 26.2 trek.

I can tell you this though...I completed a freakin marathon last Sunday. 26.2 miles. I could NOT have done it without the 3 Amigas, Jennifer and Angie...Ladies, you rock, and I thank you so much for encouraging me and guiding me and pulling me along, even when I wasn't in the best moods.

Thank you to all of you who prayed, who sent text messages, who called, and especially Pat who brought cookies, although if you text me those "encouraging" messages again, I'll have to hurt you!

A freakin marathon...holy cow! Yes, I'll do it again in a heartbeat...it'll either be San Antonio, OR Vegas in Dec. 09... WOO HOO!!!!

Moods...

2008-11-09T15:50:00.000-08:00

I'm in a mood.

Not a bad mood. I'm not angry, I'm not upset, not even sad. Actually, quite the opposite.

I'm excited, and I don't know why.

I feel anxious...I'm anticipating something, but I don't know what it is. It's like God has whispered something beautifully wonderful and fabulous in my ear, but I wasn't paying attention, and I can't remember what He told me...I just know that whatever it was/is that's coming, it's gonna be great.

It could be this marathon that's coming up, but I don't think it is. I literally feel like dancing. As a matter of fact, at this very moment, I have my favorite songs playing on my computer, and every once in a while, I'll get up and dance around in my room...silly, I know, but I know you do it to, so don't even TRY to pretend that I'm goofy. We already know that I am and you are too :-)

Anyways, anticipation...I feel something great coming. Not sure what it is, but I know God's been preparing me for it, whatever it is. I'm soooo not the chick I was 6 months ago, and even less of who I was a year ago...a broken shell of myself slowly trying to pick myself back up and put myself back together again. I'm Dawn, new and improved, stronger, smarter, and better than ever!

I can't WAIT to see what God has in store for me...call me crazy, but I KNOW it's gonna be good!

WOO HOO!

it's all about the bling....

2008-10-21T19:17:00.000-07:00

A little over a week ago I decided to run the San Antonio Full Marathon instead of the half marathon. Crazy, I know. Me...the chick who HATES to run, who HATES to sweat, who HATES to get dirty. The chick who doesn't have an athletic bone in my body...
or so I thought.

Who I was, I'm not anymore. Yes, I'm a klutz. That will never change. But unathletic? Not anymore. I, my dear sweet friends, am an athlete. I am a runner. Ok, maybe not a full fledged runner, but at least I'm out there...jogging and walking. I have no desire to win, but a desire to finish. It's not about WHEN I cross the finish line, but that I DO cross the finish line. It's not about how FAST I do it, it's about HOW I do it.

There's a point to this, I promise.

Think about your own lives...the journeys that you are on. For some of you, you've been dealing with bs for quite a while now. And I'm sure the thought going on through your head is, "God, WHEN is this going to be over?? How LONG do I have to deal with (insert issue, problem, or person here)."

Guess what?! It's not about how long you go through that trial, it's about how you go through that trial. Whether you finish first or last, the prize at the end of the race is the same. Whether it takes me 4 hours or 7.5 hours to complete that marathon, my bling will be exactly the same as all those that finished before me...and it might be a little shinier to me because of all the aches and pains that I experienced trying to get it...

Are you going to come out of your race drenched in sweat but with a smile on your face saying that the pain was totally worth the bling? Or are you going to quit in the middle, regretting walking away? Or are you going to finish but complaining about all the aches and pains, and promising never to race again?

I know how I want to finish my race...what about you?

I found True love!!!

2008-08-03T20:40:00.000-07:00

Yep, I sure did. And believe it or not, I didn't have to look very far. It's been in front of my face my whole life. A love that has had it's ups and downs. A love that is TRULY unconditional. A love that Noah and Allie might be a little jealous of.

How could I not see it? The simple gestures. The kind words. The oh so loving glances. The unspoken "I love yous". Truly a love orchestrated by none other than God himself.

This true love has gone on A LOT longer than I thought. Before I was even a glimmer in my mother's eye. And if you had told me 15 years ago about finding this true love today, I would have laughed in your face.

Now, I know...you want to know who, and where, and most importantly, how...

Calm down...

When: August 3

Where: Justice of the Peace

What: the beginning of a BEAUTIFUL love story.

Yep...it happened...a love like none other. He, 3 years her senior, showed up on her doorstep and said "I'm leaving tomorrow. You can come with me, or stay here. But if you stay here, you'll never see me again." She, not knowing what the future held, but knowing she wanted to be with him, said ok."

The next morning, unbeknownst to her family, she took a step into uncharted territories, with the man she loved. Very unsure of everything, but knew with every fiber of her being that he was her future.

On August 3, 1973, they said "I do". And today, my parents celebrated their 35th wedding anniversary. Despite the trials, the many many MANY trials, they have overcome so much. The love they share is one that I aspire to have in my own life someday. Truly unconditional love at its finest.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

Happy 35th Anniversary Mom and Dad!

I LOVE YOU!

Jeremiah 29:11

2008-07-27T12:28:00.000-07:00

" 'For I know the plans I have for you." declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"

Jeremiah 29:11

This morning I did not want to get out of bed. I knew I needed to go to Mass, and had every intention to go, but I was sooooo tired. I said a quick prayer and grabbed my laptop to which I opened up my myspace and saw my daily Bible verse:

"If you keep from breaking the Sabbath and from doing as you please on my holy day, if you call the Sabbath a delight and the Lord's holy day honorable, and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words, then you will find your joy in the Lord and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob."

Isaiah 58:13

Ok, so there was my sign...so, I roll out of bed, and get ready for Mass, but end up being about 5 minutes late due to hair issues. Anyway, I walk into St. B's and stand in the foyer since they had already started the 1st reading. I noticed an elderly woman leaning against the wall...she was speaking to another woman, and I could tell something was not quite right, but since it wasn't my business, I didn't bother to listen to their conversation....until I heard the younger woman ask the older woman if she wanted a chair. I happened to notice a chair in the room behind me, so I grabbed the chair and brought it out for the older woman. She was pale and out of breath. We got her some water and let her rest for a little while. She kept saying she was stupid for coming to Mass even though she didn't feel well. She said she would just sit a while and then leave, and when I heard that, I knew I had to step in to help. There was no way she could drive home...she was shaking! Another woman must have heard our conversation because she then came up to us and offered the woman (whose name I now know as Ursula) the opportunity for one of us to drive her home and the other would follow in a car to bring the other back. Ursula wouldn't have it, and finally gave in after our persistance. She really didn't want to be a bother, but we really didn't want to hear later on that something had happened to her.

To make a very long story short, we got Ms. Ursula home. She is a jewel. She did not want to be a bother to anyone, but at the same time needed someone there for her. Sadly she told me that although she had a son nearby, her inlaws did not really like her. This woman is 87 years old...who cares if they don't like her...they should still be there to take care of her! She kept worrying about us and whether or not we'd make it back to Mass, but I assured her that even if we didn't make it back to Mass in time, there were plenty of other services we could go to. If it hadn't been for the other woman taking me back to church, I think I could have spent all day with Ms. Ursula, just listening to her stories (she's from Austria). I let her know that if she wanted someone to bring communion to her, that I could give her name and number to the parish office. She wasn't sure about that, but finally gave in since she hadn't been to Mass in quite some time due to not feeling well.

So, my plan this morning was simple...go to Mass and go home...that was it. Obviously, God had other plans for me. And although we did make it back to Mass in time for communion, even though I missed the readings and everything else, I still feel like I was at church this morning...only this time, it was all about Ms. Ursula.

Distractions...

2008-07-26T22:26:00.000-07:00

Last night. or rather this morning, around 12:30AM, an alarm belonging to a car right outside my window went off. I was sound asleep. After what seemed like forever, but in reality was maybe 2 minutes, it finally ceased. As I began to drift off to dreamland, it went off again! I got out of bed to investigate, and there sat a maroon Maxima with it's lights flashing and alarm blazing. I thought that maybe it was a cat that set the alarm off, and soon enough, the alarm stopped. Praise God! You see, I had to get up early to join my running club, GCRC, for our weekly group run. I hadn't run in quite a while, and was anxious to get back out there.

So anyway, I got back into bed, closed by eyes, and lo and behold, the alarm started back up again. And proceeded to go off every 2-3 minutes until about 5AM! Needless to say, I did not get any sleep...by the time the alarm finally shut off (or maybe the owners finally realized it was their car), it was time for me to get ready to run.

I begrudgingly got out of bed, and got ready to meet my group. Had a decent 5 mile run/walk (ok, mostly walk), and came home ready to get my nap ... before heading out to tutor for the day...

And as I drifted off into dreamland once again, a bird sat perched outside my window and decided to have an screeching contest with another bird. Needless to say, I'm not sleeping. As tired as I am, as much as I want to sleep, these noises, or distractions are keeping me from my long awaited slumber.

I wonder if that's what God feels like with us. There he is, sitting right beside us, with us at all times, patiently waiting for us to come to Him with our troubles, with our triumphs...and we keep getting distracted. Distracted by the car alarms and screeching birds of life. All he wants is us...he doesn't care how long it's been, or what we've been up to...he just want us.

I don't know about you, but I'm getting some earplugs to silence all those distractions...

What are you going to do?

I am changed...

2008-07-20T15:36:00.000-07:00

I've been sitting here for the last few hours, trying to figure out how in the world I can express what this past weekend meant to me. You see, this weekend, I attended the St. John Vianney Women's ACTS Retreat. I went in not knowing a single solitary soul, and very unsure of what would happen over the course of the weekend.

Maybe you've been an avid reader of my blogs, and maybe this is the first time you've landed here. Regardless, know this. I've always been a woman of faith. I've always put my trust and cares in the Lord. Until this past year. The past year has been a rocky one, and although I didn't walk away completely, my heart was closed and angry. I would go to Mass at least once a month, but while I was there, my arms were crossed, and my spirit was asleep.

This weekend was truly a work of the Holy Spirit. I am forever changed. I'm back. I'm the woman I once knew, only I'm not. Yes, I'm still the care-free crazy wacky woman I've always been, but now, rather than try to control everything myself, I'm putting it all in God's hands.

Jeremiah 29:11 says
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. "

I don't know what God has in store for me, but whatever it is, I'm done trying to figure out for myself.

Psalm 86:15 says
"Lord you are a merciful and gracious God"

And that He is...I have a peace within me that I haven't had in a VERY long time. It's unexplainable. Actually, it's not. It's the holy spirit, working in me.

I will say this- if you have the opportunity to go to an ACTS retreat, whether it's Men's, Women's, or Teen's, GO. For those of you who keep saying you could use an Awakening experience, this is it...Not the same talks, and not the same surprises, but it's phenomenal none the less.

Kidnapped for my own good...

2008-07-16T19:05:00.000-07:00

Today I was kidnapped. My friend Rebecca came and picked me up, then picked up our friend Pat, and then we went out to lunch. Ok, so maybe not kidnapped, but they helped me realize a few things.

Just because you ask for help doesn't mean you're inconveniencing anyone. If they couldn't help, they would say no.

Sometimes, offered help isn't just about you, it's about the person offering the help.

Today was the first day in about a week that I didn't worry about my car. And today, I go some great news...the insurance company is paying for my car! I have to pay the deductible obviously, but, I'm actually saving about $300 (from the first quote)

I'm so freakin happy right now! I'm truly blessed!!!

Thank you for the prayers and well wishes!!! You all are wonderful!

Update: When it rains it pours

2008-07-15T19:03:00.000-07:00

WOW!!!

This morning at 7am, I took my car to yet ANOTHER car place to get a 3rd opinion. I sat there for about 2 hours while they checked it out, and finally I heard my name called. Only this time, they didn't have the estimate. They wanted me to go back to the garage and look at the underside of my car...

Boy, I must have some very tired guardian angels...because my car is in bad shape right now.
A few months ago, I drove over a metal box (I think) in the road. It was either drive over it, or hit one of the two 18-wheelers on both sides of me, or get seriously rear-ended by the big truck behind me...I figured the metal box was the lesser of the evils and would do it again in a minute. Well, when that happened, and I heard the loud THUNK, I knew that I had hit it, and immediately pulled over to investigate any damage. I didn't see any damage, nor did I see any leaking. I drove around for a few days to see if anything sounded weird, but I didn't....so with that, I went on my merry way.

Until Thursday, when I went in for my yearly inspection, which I failed, and was given 15 days to repair my car.

On first inspection, all car place 1 found wrong was the cracked exhaust manifold.
On second inspection, car place 2 said cracked manifold, catalytic convertor, gasket, and muffler.
And today, the third inspection at car place 3, here's what's wrong with my car:cracked gasket, cracked catalytic convertor, cracked exhaust manifold, cracked subframe (which could completly tear up the brand new tires I just bought), cracked muffler, AND cracked fuel tank (HELLO...do you see how dangerous this could be???)

The mechanics all came around and were asking me how long I had been driving my car with all this damage, and I said I didn't know, because I didn't. But, they also said that I was incredibly lucky that nothing had happened to me or my car.

So, for those of you praying for me, THANK YOU!!! I know that everything happens for a reason, and I don't even want to THINK about what could have happened, what might of happened, or what didn't happen (although I'm thanking GOD nothing happened.) My guardian angels must be tired from guarding me so much....

Now unfortunately, the estimate is now 5x the original quote, but I'm hoping my insurance will cover it. We'll see...

When it rains it pours...

2008-07-14T17:53:00.000-07:00

Warning...this is a rant. you are now warned.

so, last thursday, i took my car in to get inspected before my road trip to san antonio and austin. i didn't want anything to keep me from going. well, obviously i didn't go because something did happen. i failed my inspection....i needed 2 new tires, and my exhaust manifold was cracked, which caused me to fail the emissions part of the inspection. the guy at the shop gave me a quote, and i told him i'd think about it.

of course, i immediately call my dealership to see what they would say. they asked me to bring my car in today so they could look at it. i dropped my car off at 7:30 this morning, and at noon they were finally done. they ended up finding a whole slew of things wrong with my car. now, it's not only the exhaust manifold, but the catalytic convertor, the pipes connecting it, the muffler, and the gasket (although besides the gasket, everything else is engine parts....isn't the gasket part of the oil system? i'm a little confused on that part...) what started out as an issue that will cost me a pretty penny, but something i can afford, has now turned into this huge thing that i'm not really sure I can afford...

and then, to top it all off...someone hit my car today while i was at sylvan. they left their pretty red paint and a nice scratch on my bumper. they didn't even have the decency to leave a note.

i'm pissed.

i had FINALLY gotten to a place where i felt comfortable. i worked the first part of the summer so that i could have some money saved up, and now i'm completely drained once again.
i'm SO LOOKING FORWARD to this retreat. i know this is just the devil's way of bringing me down, but that's not going to happen...because you know what? there's a silver lining to this dark cloud over my head.

silver lining 1- at least i have a car that runs
silver lining 2- at least i have the cash to cover the majority of the repairssilver lining 3- at least i have friends who are willing to drive me around in a pinch (thanks jen for picking me up and letting me vent)
silver lining 4- at least i have family who will offer help even if i don't want it
silver lining 5- at least i was able to work summer school to have the money to pay for this, because otherwise i wouldn't have had anything saved up!!!

so yeah, devil, try as you might to bring me down, it's not going to happen...yeah, i'm pissed, but i'm thankful that i'm able to take care of all this stuff

this is going to make my retreat all the better this weekend :-)

The Dating Bill of Rights...

2008-07-07T08:20:00.000-07:00

I came across the following while piddling around on the web. Thought it was interesting and fun to share...

Enjoy!~d

Your dating bill of rights
By Nina Malkin

We, the people — in particular, those socially active seekers of romance, companionship and pleasure — deserve certain inalienable rights when it comes to charting the waters of the dating scene. And so, in honor of Independence Day (you're looking for love, not surrendering your sense of self), here they are:

You have the right to ask. If you meet a person of interest, you are free to ask him/her out. Sounds simple—but until you fully embrace this concept, you may hinder yourself socially. Asking someone out is not gender-exclusive (i.e., women can and should do it). And no one is out of your league (the worst he/she can say is no thanks). So unless the guy/girl you've got designs on is in a relationship or part of a celibate religious order, ask away!

You have the right to the jitters. Getting to know a new person can be nerve-wracking. Pre-date anxiety is so common, it's a safe bet the person you're sweating about seeing is doing the same about you. It's all right to not only feel it, but admit it. Indeed, saying, "I'm a little nervous about tonight" can work as an icebreaker.

You have the right to punctuality. It's a date, not a "stop by whenever…" open house. Expect to be met or picked up on time (so be ready or at the rendezvous spot on time), or called in advance if delays are unavoidable. Consider enacting a 15-minute rule. If a date is a quarter of an hour late, don't wait!

You have the right to free speech. Yes, you want this person to like you, but that doesn't mean you should alter your ideas or opinions to voice what you think your date wants to hear. Speak your mind! That said, make sure you encourage your date to speak freely, too. No one wants to hang out with a conversation hog.

You have the right to fun. Approach dating like a job interview, and a good time will not be had by all. While the impulse to ascertain someone's long-term commitment potential is natural, it's a bit self-defeating in the early stages of dating. Go on activity-oriented dates, where you can get a vibe about a person, as opposed to doing entirely talk-centric stuff that can make both of you feel scrutinized and squirmy. Think brief, planned encounters initially instead of random marathons. Keep conversations light on topics like shared interests (rather than delving into each other's psyches and romantic histories right away).

You have the right to undivided attention. A date is by and large a one-on-one activity. It's not about two people and a gadget. Or two people and all of his/her friends at the bar. If the individual you're out with constantly checks email or takes cell phone calls — or is so distracted by others in the room that you feel ignored — end the date early and move on.

You have the right to bare arms—or long sleeves. Wear jeans and a T-shirt—or something fancier if it makes you feel more on top of your game. The point is: Dress comfortably for dates, donning an outfit you look good and feel good in. You'll come off as confident—and be more naturally desirable. Of course, do aim to be occasion-appropriate (that slinky evening gown might not do for his backyard barbecue; shorts and a tank top won't work for a candlelit dinner).

You have the right to kiss. Physical attraction is what makes dating different from other relationships. If you're both feeling it, go for it! And that applies whether it's date 1 or 10. There's no set timetable. And if you're feeling it but aren't sure whether the other person is, you can always say, "I really want to kiss you right now," and see what reaction you get. Just keep in mind that kissing can be a gateway display of affection—as things progress, be prepared for safe sex.

You have the right to follow-up. This is not only a right, it's a courteous custom that nice people ascribe to. And somebody's got to place the follow-up call/email. If you had an enjoyable time and would like to see this person again, don't play games about how many days you're "supposed" to wait, get in touch.

You have the right to cancel. If you're having a crappy day, feel a cold coming on or get slammed with a project at work, it's perfectly reasonable to contact your date the day of your plans, explain your situation, and ask for a rain check. However, canceling because something or someone better came along, while not a criminal offense, may be a karmic one.

You have the right to bow out (and break up). Occasionally, you may find yourself on a date from hell. Trust your gut on this, and cash in that "get out of date free" card. If the date is going badly (and especially if the person you're with makes you feel at all uncomfortable or unsafe) you're by no means obligated to see it through. The same applies to relationships that turn out to be not what you want. Don't "hang in there" because you don't wish to propagate hurt feelings. Be courteous, be quick—and get out! A "Thank you; I need to be going in a minute" on a first date or "It's been nice getting to know you, but I don't see our relationship progressing" after a couple of get-togethers should work well.

Nina Malkin is the author of An Unlikely Cat Lady: Feral Adventures in the Backyard Jungle.

David vs. Goliath...

2008-07-06T18:59:00.000-07:00

The Lord is not through with you yet. God will send the rain when He's ready. You need to prepare your field to recieve it.

Bloom where you are planted...

The Lord said 365 different times, do not fear...

Did you ever hear about David and Goliath? Now, I am by no means a Bible scholar. I'm not even sure where my Bible is (don't worry, I will find it soon). But what I remember is that David was this scrappy kid who took on the bully named Goliath. They prepared to fight and Goliath came to town dressed in armor with all his weapons, and David showed up with a sling shot. Goliath was probably 50 times the size of David, and David didn't care. He came to fight his heart out, and that he did. And with his sling shot, he won. David, the scrawny scrappy kid that everyone thought would be pummelled into the ground, beat Goliath.

What's your Goliath? What is it in your life that seems overbearing and towering and stronger, bigger, and meaner than anything you know? Sometimes we have our Goliath moments, but most of the time, I think we are more like David. scrappy and scrawny, with nothing more than a slingshot to defend ourselves.

Guess what: the Lord will not send you into a battle without the proper armor. He will not abandon you. He will send the rain, but do you really think that you can just stand there and expect him to do all the work? You have to show your faith! Just standing there and looking at the sky won't do any good. Don't you need an umbrella? Won't that show the Lord that you are faithful in His promises and power? You can't keep asking for the rain, and looking at the sky waiting for it to come before you bust out with your umbrella. You have to PREPARE for it!

I just got through watching a movie called "Facing the Giants". It's the inspiration for this blog. It's not a movie that was released out into the everyday media (that I'm aware of). Yeah, the acting is kind of cheesy in the beginning, but as the movie goes on, you forget about the acting and start paying attention to the message. David vs. Goliath...facing the giants. Whatever the giants are in your life, face them head on, with the faith of God in your heart, your spirit, and your mind. Know that through HIM, ALL things are possible.

Too picky...really?

2008-06-29T16:20:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I've been told several times that I'm too picky. I'm a single girl with a heart for God...seriously, how picky can I really be???

Is it asking too much to pray for a man who prays for me? Or has a heart for God, an education, a job, and DOESN'T live with his momma? Seriously, is that too much?

I refuse to settle, don't think that I should have to. Yes, if I were desperate, there are a number of guys I could call, but I'm not, so I won't.

Bottom line: I'm a busy twenty, soon to be thirty-something. I need a guy who can either throw on his running shoes and join me, or at least cheer for me as I cross the finish line, and not be a big baby when I say that I have something I have to take care of. Trust me when I say I'll be supporting him in everything he does. I'll make changes for the right guy, rearrange the schedule and not be so busy, but in the mean time, if a guy wants to find me, he'll have to remember the following:

A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ, that a man has to seek Him, to find her...

You wanna find me? Find HIM! I don't just want any guy...I want the right guy :-)

xoxo,
~d

Witnessing a Miracle...

2008-06-28T10:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I witnessed a miracle. I saw God reach down His hand and bless a ministry that I love with all my heart.

I'm not going to lie. For a moment, I wasn't sure it was going to happen; but as soon as that thought creeped into my mind, I got it out just as fast.

For the past three days, I have been at KSBJ (the greatest radio station EVER) to volunteer at Sharathon, their annual fundraising event. KSBJ is a listener supported station, which means that they don't get $$ from commercials. They don't even play commercials. They get grants from other ministries, and giving listeners such as myself (I know I sound like I'm on their payroll, but I'm not).

Anyway, they had a goal of $310,000 for their monthly operations, and $1.7 million for their special projects. In all the years I've volunteered for this station, the goals have usually been met on day 2, or very early on day 3. This year was different though. The monthly goal was met early on Day 3, but the special projects was still OVER a million $$ away...
Talk about scary!

I, along with the rest of the volunteers and staff, cautiously watched the numbers go up, but we were nervous. Yes, we kept saying that this was God sized goal, and that HE could take care of it, but I'm pretty sure there was a moment of doubt for everyone in that room.

It was so incredibly awesome to watch the DJs and KSBJ staff walk around and just keep working as though all was good...and it was.

But then, it happened. It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen. The numbers kept going up very slowly, and then, all of a sudden, they started speeding up by the thousands...people were calling in. An energetic peace came over the room, and everyone just started praying and praising God all at the same time.

And then at 10:00pm, we met our goal: 1.7 million dollars. Pledged by the giving listeners of KSBJ.

Now, I know you're wondering why the recap. There's a lesson in all of this...I promise. Just stay with me for a little bit longer :-)

I can't explain to you the feeling I had in that room. I prayed as though I had never prayed before. I had energy like I had never had before. I FELT the holy spirit come over me, and it was all I could do to just stand there and watch.

The lesson is this: There is NO job too big or too small for God. I think we were getting a little complacent in the knowledge that we ALWAYS seemed to meet our goals so early. This time, we had to work for it...we had to SHOW our faith, instead of just saying we had the faith. We had to wait for God instead of rushing the job. We had to keep believing, even though we were all very nervous.

Isn't that what life is all about? Having faith in the unseen. Believing in God's power, despite what's going on in our heads? Knowing that through Christ, ALL things are possible? Trusting in Him, loving Him, honoring Him, and being faithful to Him? Isn't that what we are called to do on a daily basis?

I don't know what's going on in your life. Maybe you're having money problems, or relationship problems, or maybe life just sucks for you. But, have faith. Whatever it is that you're doing, I'm pretty sure there's a whisper somewhere in there telling you that it's wrong, or it's not right, or you probably shouldn't be doing it...why aren't you listening? I know there are many things for me that I probably shouldn't be doing...or rather, should be doing, that I'm not. Namely, going to church. Yes, I go to Mass most Sundays, but just because I'm there, doesn't mean I'm present. And that's something I'm going to change. I have to.

What do you have to change?

I witnessed a miracle last night. It was the most amazing thing ever. I think that feeling will stay with me for a while, and I'll do everything I can to get back to where I used to be.

Wait, let me correct that last statement.

I don't want to go BACK...I want to move FORWARD. Maybe I was supposed to lose a little faith, so that I would remember what it felt like to have that want instead of just being comfortable. Maybe having my flame flicker in and out was supposed to remind me what it was like to have a raging fire? Well, my embers are being stirred, and I feel the fire finally growing again, and I'm getting to where God wants me...

I witnessed a miracle last night...and it wasn't in the auditorium of KSBJ...

It was in me :-)

Be Still and Know...

2008-06-27T09:32:00.000-07:00

Tonight was an amazing night. As I stood/sat in KSBJ's auditorium, I saw God at work. I felt His presence, and I heard stories that took my breath away. Sharathon, for me, isn't just about giving back to a ministry that gives to me; it's also a renewal of my faith. I see people I only see once a year. I check in with them, catch up with them, pray with them, and laugh with them.

I think one of the best parts of the Sharathon is listening to all the stories...not just from the listeners, but from the volunteers too. Sharathon is FILLED with people who are in different places in their walk with Christ. Some have just started, and others have been on this journey for quite a while. Take me for example; I'm a cradle Catholic...I've gone to church all my life. I went to Sunday School, participated in youth group, taught Sunday School, went on retreats, helped organize retreats, pretty much, done it all...BUT in doing all those things...did I REALLY know God? In doing all those church things, and appearing to be filled with faith, was I really leading the life I should have been living? I would answer that question with this...yes AND no...Yes, I was leading the life I should have been leading, and still am, but No...I don't know God like I should. Yes, I pray, Yes I have faith, but I'm still not where i want or need to be.

Last night (it's Friday morning now...I went to sleep!), I sat in KSBJ's auditorium with the staff and volunteers and listend to the talented and amazing AMY GRANT, speak to us and sing to us. She flew in from Dallas to surprise us . Anyway, she sang this beautiful song that brought me to tears. There was really no reason for me to cry, but just the simplicity of the song spoke to my soul. "Be still and know"...amid the cell phones, ipods, and everything else we use to silence the storm we call life, we just need to be still and LISTEN to the whisper that is God's voice. Yes, there are times He has to raise His voice at us...isn't that what a good parent does? God isn't just this all powerful force that guides me. He's my father, my daddy God, my homeboy, my palanca, my bff...

Be still and know...that despite the feeling in my heart, maybe I'm not as bad off as I thought I was...

Be still and know...that when God's ready for something to happen, HE'll make it happen...

Be still and know...that God is ALL POWERFUL...anything can happen if it's according to HIS will...

Be still and know...that HE loves you with all HIS heart...doesn't matter what you've done or said. HE loves you and just wants you back...

Be still and know...that HIS plan may not be OUR plan...and that's ok.

Be still and know...that it's ok...whatever IT is...it will be ok. Just turn it all over to HIM.

ok, so I don't know where all that just came from, I just felt led to say it....so, there it is. Hope it helps someone. Sharathon does this to me every year...and I LOVE IT!

So...be still and LISTEN to the whisper that is God's voice...what is He trying to tell you? To show you? Be still and know...

High Maintence People

2008-06-22T09:17:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had a "high maintence" friend...or maybe you dated someone like this. You know, someone who had to have it their way all the time...OR, someone one who had to have things just so. and if you deviated from that plan just once, they freaked out, or even someone who asks for help, you give requested help, and then they get all pissy that you helped...EVEN though they requested the help.

Ok, so it sounds like I'm talking about me, but I'm not. Work with me here...

I wonder about high maintence people. Yes, I APPEAR to be high maintence, but in reality, I'm not. I'm more of a people pleaser. If I want to do something, and majority doesn't, then I go with majority. If I want your opinion, I'll ask for it, and the only time I EXPECT to be the center of attention is on my birthday :-) Otherwise, no, it doesn't have to be all about me (although I certainly enjoy when it is )

Ok, so back to what I was saying...high maintence people...how do you deal with them? How do you deal with someone who wants things just so, and can't bend even a tiny bit? Ask me my opinion, and I'll give it. I'll be brutally honest. I'm of the thought that if you didn't want an honest answer then you shouldn't have asked me. Is that rude or mean?

I don't know...high maintence people make me crazy, and I guess from now on, I'll just keep my mouth shut, even when they request my assistance...

My Father's Child...

2008-06-15T09:18:00.000-07:00

If you had known me when I was a little girl, you would have known in a heart beat that I'm a "Daddy's girl." If you had known me in junior high high school, you probably would have thought I didn't have a dad, and if you would have met me in college, you would have known I had a dad, but probably thought I hated him with a passion.

My dad and I haven't always had the greatest relationship. There have been A LOT of hurts. A lot of broken promises, a lot of arguments, a lot of things that I shouldn't have had to deal with growing up. But, despite all that, here I am, with the best dad on earth (yes guys, y'all are great too...but we're talking about MY daddy here...)

My dad will walk to the ends of the earth for me (and you). Mess with me, and you'll see him come UNGLUED...I know my dad loves me with all his heart. He's a hard worker, the most giving man I know, and makes the BEST grilled sandwiches, milkshakes, and BBQ ever. He'll go without so that I can have. Even now, living on my own, paying my own bills, doing my own thing, my dad still takes care of me. He's my fix it guy, my handyman :-)

Don't get me wrong...we still don't have the best relationship, but he's my dad, and I love him...despite the past hurts. I know how far he's come from what's he's dealt with in his own life.
So, to my dad...

Thank you for being the man you are. Thank you for the scrabble games, the rummy games, the checkers games. Thanks for teh first dances, the first dates, the driving lesson (yeah, we only lasted 20 minutes before WW3 ensued), using the machete on all dates, my first car, truck stops, water jug juice, homemade coconut ice cream, helping my friends out EVEN if they didn't ask for it, crabbing and fishing trips, and never making me eat the healthy stuff...
Thank you for giving me your all, even when there wasn't much there.

I love you Daddy! Happy Father's Day!

Thank You re: Just for today blog...

2008-06-11T10:09:00.000-07:00

What a difference a day makes...and a prayer, and a good night's sleep...

I don't know who prayed what, but THANK YOU! today was a zillion times better. kids were well-behaved, i got to make phone calls that made parents smile instead of frown, and it was just an overall good day...

so, yes...THANK YOU!

just for today...

2008-06-10T10:10:00.000-07:00

i'm not going to smile and say all is right in the world, because it's not.

why the hell do parents think it's ok to beat the shit out of their children and starve them for days? how about we treat you the same way you treat your kids and see how you like it? i swear, some people should NOT be allowed to reproduce...yes i'm ALL FOR mandatory birth control if it means that certain people won't be allowed to repopulate the world...ok, so i can't solve that problem, but still it bothers the hell out of me...

and then i have fabulous friends who put up with the stupidest shit ever, and then complain about it...i love you, but deal with your problem(s) and move on. (tomorrow i'll be back to listen and offer advice if it's wanted...today, not so much...sorry) <---that's another thing; i can't even be bitchy!

and then, i work my ass off and never seem to have the $$ to show off or do the things that i want to do. bday to vegas- cancelled...bday spa day- cancelled, bday to austin-about to be cancelled, doctorate program- yeah, gonna be cancelled too if i can't get the funding...
and we won't even talk about summer school...let's not even go there...ugh.

ok, so this is just a rant and a rave, and i'm done now...and i'll go to sleep and tomorrow it'll all be better...right?

Being Fearless...

2008-06-01T10:11:00.000-07:00

Over the past few months, I've changed...some for the better, some for the worst. Through it all, I've continued to learn a lot about myself, what I'm capable of, what I need to change about myself, etc... Last night, I saw "Sex and the City" with some girlfriends. It was a great movie - and no- not all about sex. I saw a little bit of each character in myself': the ambition of Miranda, the old-fashionedness of Charlotte, the enthusiasm, excitement and vulerability of Carrie, and yes, even a little Samantha too

No, this blog isn't about SATC, but it is about discovering one's self, as the women in this movie do. It's about learning to be fearless in every aspect of my life. It's about taking life by the horns and just being happy to be me. To not try to change myself for anyone, and knowing that no matter what, I am who I am...take it or leave it.

So, here I am; learning to be fearless. It started with a heartbreak, learning how to reclaim myself and my heart, deciding to pursue a doctorate, and taking on the challenge of completing a triathlon, and now...who knows?!

Recently, someone told me that I needed to take my nose out of the books and get out there and meet people if I ever wanted to get married. I know this person meant well, but for whatever reason, their image of me is wrong. Yes, I am a bookworm. Yes, I love to learn, but to say that that's why I'm single is wrong. To say that no guy will ever want to be with me because I love to learn is wrong. To say that ALL I do is sit at home and have no life outside of school and work is completely wrong.

Another good friend said the other night during a conversation about the guys we've all dated..."You're the common demoninator in all these failed relationships...so it must be you. what do you need to change". I may have words slightly wrong, but this is how it came across to me...in other words, of the guys that I've dated (and only one of them has gotten serious), since none of them worked, and I'm the common factor, it must be my fault. Now, I KNOW this person cares for me, and cares enough to be brutally honest, and I thank her for that, but I had to disagree with her. No, I'm not perfect, I don't claim to be, and I never will. But with that said, despite whatever it is that the other guys didn't like about me, I will be right for one guy out there...whomever he is. And when that time comes, he'll love everything about me. He'll love me at my best AND my worst, and I will feel the same for him. In looking at the few past relationships I've been in, none of those guys were right for me for various reasons...either they had no ambition, or were psychotic, or too into themselves, or although I cared for them very much, it just wasn't right.

I guess the point I'm trying to get across is that being "fearless" isn't just "being without fear", but more about being brave to be one's self. Being bold in your choices, going after what you want, changing what needs to be changed, and embracing who and what you are. Loving yourself when no one else will or doesn't want to, and knowing that regardless of your life's circumstances, you can choose to be happy with who you are and what you have, or do something about it, if the change is necessary. As for me, yes, a few changes are needed, and I'm working on them, but they are more internal than external.

Here's to being fearless :-)

Love Lessons from Carrie and the girls...

2008-05-28T10:13:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite women posted this on her blog and let me "steal" it and post here...thanks Rach! You ROCK!

BTW- There's a lot of truth in the post below...so, for all you women out there (and men too...) pay attention to the wisdom from SATC :-)

xoxo~d

Love Lessons from Sex and the City

In their six years on the air, the SATC chicks endured the good, the bad, and the totally bizarre when it came to dating. Cosmo studied some of their most memorable relationships to find out what we could learn from the fabulous foursome.
By Ashley Womble of Cosmo

Case study: Miranda and Steve

When Miranda met bartender Steve Brady, she was skeptical as usual. He was nice (and easy on the eyes) but clearly not relationship material. Not surprisingly, their divergent careers created problems: conflicting schedules, fights about money, and different outlooks on life. Miranda could have deleted his number from her BlackBerry, but ultimately, his laid-back personality and devotion won her over. The unlikely pair started a family and eventually tied the knot.

Lesson 1: Date against your type.

Case study: Carrie and Aidan

Hot furniture designer Aidan was everything Carrie thought she wanted in a man: emotionally available, honest, and ready to commit. Aidan wanted Carrie to meet his parents, have the keys to his apartment, and eventually be his wife. She attempted to change by quitting smoking (and nixing her addiction to Mr. Big), giving country life a shot, and wearing his engagement ring around her neck. But no matter how hard Carrie tried, she couldn't commit to any of it. While Aidan seemed perfect on paper, he wasn't the ideal guy for Carrie.

Lesson 2: Don't change for a man, no matter what.

Case study: Charlotte and Trey

An optimist with a very romantic view of love, Charlotte believed her dreams had come true when she was literally rescued by the single, wealthy, and handsome Dr. Trey MacDougal. Despite some major red flags — a lackluster marriage proposal, a meddling mother-in-law, and a sexless honeymoon — Charlotte was determined to make the relationship work. Although she gave it her all, their union still failed.

Lesson 3: Never ignore the warning signs that tell you a relationship isn't working.

Case study: Carrie and Berger

Witty writer Jack Berger had these famous last words for Carrie, written on a Post-it note: "I'm sorry, I can't. Don't hate me." After the abrupt end to their short, rocky relationship, Carrie vowed to spend the same amount of time getting over her breakup as Berger had spent ending it. If only it were that easy. Though Carrie managed to avoid him, she ended up melting down in front of his friends, which undoubtedly got back to him. She learned that it's better to face the music (or in her case, the Post-it note) and get it over with.

Lesson 4: As painful as breakups can be, you have to mourn before moving on.

Case study: Samantha and Smith

Samantha's dating philosophy: "I'm a trysexual. I'll try anything once." Her only rule was to never fall in love. She was so set in her man-eating ways that when she scouted and seduced a gorgeous waiter at a raw food restaurant, she didn't even ask his name. She encouraged the struggling young actor to play out his sexual fantasies and took him under her wing professionally, changing his name to Smith Jerrod and making him the Absolut Hunk. Somewhere between sex and stardom, Samantha fell in love and eventually confessed to Smith, "You've meant more to me than any man I have ever known."

Lesson 5: Dare to fall in love.

Case study: Carrie and Mr. Big

Sure, Carrie might have done some of the chasing, but in the end it was Mr. Big who showed up at her door the day she left New York City for Paris. Angry that his timing was always off, she screamed, "Forget you know my number! In fact, forget you know my name!" But he didn't give up. He called to tell her he loved her, and fortunately, Charlotte was there to answer his desperate call. The next day, he met the ladies for brunch and admitted, "You're the loves of her life, and a guy would be lucky to come in fourth." With their blessing, Mr. Big went to Paris to get "their" girl.

Lesson 6: Let him chase you.

Case study: Carrie

The eternal single girl had her share of romances, chronicled in her weekly column, but the truest love story is the one she wrote for herself. Bad luck and messy breakups were de rigueur in Carrie's life. By surviving the pitfalls — a Manolo-mugging, a computer crash, and a very embarrassing fashion fall — Carrie gained the confidence and strength to continue her search for true love. "The most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself," she said. "And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

Lesson 7: Be fearlessly single.

Prayers: Answered or not?

2008-05-27T10:18:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been praying for God's will; to use me in the way I'm meant to be used. In addition to that, I've been praying for my own personal wants. I've been praying and praying, and hoping for a certain outcome to a situation that I've been dealing with, and today I recieved a resounding NO...loud and clear. Trust me when I say it's not what I wanted. I was angry at first. I was upset, I cried for about a half hour. Then, after thinking about it, the answer became clear. The answer wasn't a resounding No, but a soft yes. I asked for God to use me the way I'm meant to be used, and He's doing exactly that. It may not be the way I wanted to be used, but that's where God's will and our wants come to battle. Just because I want something, doesn't mean it's good for me, or right for me. If it's not in God's plan for me, do I really want it? Should I really want it? Even if it's not according to my plan, I should be happy that my prayer was answered according to His plan. And after much thought and prayer, I am. I accept His will and His plan for me, even if it's not what I wanted or planned for myself.

Just something to think about...

COMBAT...

2008-05-24T10:19:00.000-07:00

I did it. I conqured COMBAT Triathlon today. I did NOT let it conquer me. I woke up this morning, before many of you, and by 7:00am, had recieved my chip, gotten body marked, stopped by the bike tent to get plugs, and was standing by the pool ready to jump in.

The first event was swimming; by far my weakest event. But, as I stepped into the pool area, and realized that I had likely swum double the length in training, I started to feel a little better. I COULD do this. I was second from last to jump in, and I swam the best I could...there were a few times I had to walk, but I mostly swam all 300 yards...I even left two people in the pool after me! My goal time was 20 minutes, my finish time was 9:52...yeah, insane! I don't know that I've ever done 300 yards continuously like that before! WOO HOO!

After that, it was time for the biking event. I had to tear off my swim cap and googles, somehow manage to dry off a bit (although I've now learned that towels and being dry are overrated!), pull some socks on, throw some shoes on, but let's not forget to put on the helmet and click it BEFORE doing all of this...I would have been penalized for even touching my bike without my helmet on! Take a swig of gatorade, and off I go...running my bike past the hot pink mount line...15 miles, here we come!

The biking was insane. The wind was strong, but the cloud cover was nice. The TCPD had all the lights flashing, so it was nice to run a flashing red light and have everyone stop for me...The first leg seemed to be going ok...until I had to go over the Holland St. overpass. I clicked in to my lowest gear, and my quads screamed! I think I invented a few four letter words too (sorry Mom!), because that hill was brutal! Finally, what I thought was the hardest part was over...boy was I wrong! I was now riding directly into the wind, for literally 10 miles maybe? This is where I seriously thought about dropping out of the race. I had passed another cyclist a few miles back, and by the time I looked around again, the SAG vehicle was behind me...this is where I didn't want to be...the last cyclist in with the SAG vehicle. I had to start willing myself to pedal, and by God's grace, I did. Made the turn around, and headed back to College of the Mainland, where I heard a HUGE roar of cheers and encouragement. All the finishers had come to line the cycle chute in, and were cheering for me to ride strong and finish. That, I did! I was so overcome by emotion, I started crying before I even got off my bike. I dismounted at the hot pink dismount line, ran my bike into the wrong row, picked up, racked it, took off my helmet, put on my race belt and fuel belt, grabbed my hat, and ran out of the transition area amid a thunderous roar of more cheers and encouragement. I don't know if that crowd will ever really understood what they did for me!

Ok, now to the 5k..running out of the three events is my strongest, but I was soooo tired, I couldn't run anymore, so I walked the entire 5k. At that point, I didn't care. I just wanted to finish. I never stopped, although I seriously wanted to. I had a great conversation with God along the way, and really learned what I was made of. At one point, I did feel like I was going to pass out, but I literally just kept moving, even though the SAG vehicle was STILL behind me, picking up the course. All of a sudden, I heard "GO DAWN!!!" I looked up and saw my fabulous training group BAM waiting for me...the people who had encouraged me all along in notes, and training rides, were right there waiting on me again. As soon as I heard that, I started to run. I really have no idea where the energy came from, but there it was, and I used it to run to them. As much as I wanted to stop, they wouldn't let me, but they did let me walk a little once I got to them...they just kept up with the constant reassurances that I was ALMOST done...and when I saw the finish chute, another burst of energy (and tears) started...all 400 competitors were lined along the chute, yelling for me, cheering me on, and out of no where I heard "DAWN (insert last name here), BAY AREA MULTISPORT, A JOB WELL DONE!!!!" As I crossed the finish line, I jumped up and hit the banner. I was done. I conquered COMBAT and did not let it conquer me I AM A TRIATHLETE!

Yes, me...the girl who was always picked last to be on the team in gym class. The girl who was teased for being the slowest runner. The girl who HATES to sweat. I overcame the fear, I overcame the nervousness and anxiety, and I finished that race: 300 yard swim, 15 mile bike, 5k run/walk. Despite the lack of training, despite the obstacles, I've now done something that NO ONE ever thoght I'd do...all thanks to GOD! And I finished in less than 2:30 which was my goal time!

YEA ME!

Creepy...

2008-05-18T17:32:00.000-07:00

I have a stalker. Yes, I'm serious. I call him my psycho stalker because he messes with my head. If you've known me for any number of years, than you've heard about him. I'll give you the back story.

I met him in junior year of high school while on a school orchestra trip to New Orleans. He was staying on the same floor of the same hotel, and you know how that goes. The floor was filled with high school students from all over Houston, and we all started hanging out with each other and what not. We hit it off, exchanged phone numbers and kept in touch.

We kept in touch for a little while, until he started calling 3x a day every day at the same time (2:30, 4:30, 8:30)...every single day. I started avoiding his calls, because it was getting very weird. Soon they stopped, but once senior year rolled around, he started calling again, once a month to ask me to his prom. EVERY MONTH. I said no, and kept saying no, until April rolled around and I realized I had no date. So, out of desperation for a date, I accepted the date to his prom on the condition that he'd go to mine. And it went downhill fr..om there.

We won't rehash my prom or his, because again, if you've known me for a while, then you've heard the "Prom date from hell" story.

Ok, fast forward a few years into college...sophomore year to be exact. I get a letter that has no return address in a bright yellow envelope. It's from him. Telling me that he's moved out, and has his own place now, and I can come visit whenever I want...and then every other line is: i miss you, you can come over whenever, or call me, even if it's 3 in the morning. i miss you, come over. i miss you...

I didn't write back.

Then, while on some holiday break, he calls. I have my male cousin answer the phone and pretend he's my boyfriend to give the Psycho the message. I'm not interested, leave me alone.
Guess what? He wrote me again...a few years later, I'm out of college, and teaching, living in Clear Lake. He sent a card to my parents' house. It was a beautiful card talking about how we've been such great friends all these years, and a handwritten note about how much he misses me and hopes that we can continue the friendship, and that I'll write back...he INCLUDED the SELF ADDRESSED STAMPED envelope and paper to write back on.

I didn't write back.

2006 rolls around...I'm one of the contacts for my high school reunion. My info is out in the world for classmates to get a hold of me...guess who finds me...yep. He sends me an email, and I think to myself, you know, it's been 10 years. I've changed, I'm sure he has...let's see...so, I email him back. Things are going fine, he SEEMS normal, all is well. But, I have my guard up. We email back and forth for a while, talk on the phone, but then he stopped calling and emailing...no biggie for me.

Until December 2006. That's when he crossed over into creepy. He started with the i miss you's and i have all these feelings for you, and i'm not crazy, you're the only one i can talk to, i need you, no one listens to me but you. He was supposed to go to my graduation, but after all that, I asked him not to go, and quit contacting me. i let him know flat out that he made me uncomfortable, and that "this" whatever "this" was, was over. no more.

Guess what...I think he showed up to my graduation. After I crossed the stage, I got a 5 minute voice mail from him saying that I coulnd't stop him from showing up, and if he wanted to be there, he'd be there...he went on for 5 minutes pretty much yelling into the phone.

Yes, I've contacted the police. It's my understanding that because he hasn't tried to hurt me or come near me, I can't do anything about it...

I've heard from him a few times since then, when his dad died, and other random emails, and I havne't responded to any of them.

He texted me on Friday from an unknown number, and once I realized who it was, I again asked him to leave me alone. He continued to text me saying that he was hoping I'd changed my mind, and when i replied that I hadn't, he said "you should." WTF? Some more texts transpired after that, but oh well.

I'm very creeped out by all of this. Bottom line, I'm changing my email address and cell . It's not changed yet, but it will be soon, and if you are priviledged enough to get it, do not share it without my permission.

Please just keep me in your thoughts and prayers...

love you all!

Mt. Evarist

2008-05-10T17:39:00.000-07:00

Quietly, she stands. Ever so strong, but beautiful. She doesn't let anyone take advantage of her, and will let you know once you have. She brings out the best in everyone who comes near her. She's like the flame to the moth; people are drawn to her gentleness, kindness, and heart. She's a shoulder to cry on, a helping hand, and will be brutally honest with you. Oh yeah, she has an aversion to BS too :-).

She never says a word, just watches everyone, and offers opinions or advice when asked. She gives and loves unconditionally regardless of if she needs it more. She's kind, she's loving, she's hilarious, and pretty damn smart. She's put up with a lot in her 53 years of life, and despite the hardships she's faced, she's handled them with beauty and grace.

She's Mt. Evarist, and she's my mom.

Happy Mother's Day Mom! I LOVE YOU!

Butterfly

2007-09-27T22:46:00.000-07:00

My friend John writes poetry (datbury.blogspot.com), and has inspired me to dig up some poetry I wrote a few years ago.I wrote this poem about 4 or 5 years ago...I just found it, while going through some stuff and thought I'd share...it's not the greatest, but it's what I was feeling at the time...Enjoy :)

Butterfly

Slowly emerging
from the cocoon
that I've been
living in
all my life.

Cautiously peeking
my head out
into the world.
Is it safe?
Will I survive?

Slowly breaking free
of all that binds me,
yet holding on
ever so tightly toa
ll I can't let go of.

Stretching out my wings
for the very first time,
letting go of things
not meant to be
held on to.

I take off slowly-
looking back...wondering if I should
go backto my
safe
warm
cocoon.

Am I ready?
Will I make it?

I start to fly.
Soaring,
letting the wind
carry me higher
than I've ever been.
I look back
and see my cocoon.
SMALLER, Smaller, smaller
I can barely see it.

I look forward and
see the world.
I look at all that surrounds
me, and see
possibilities.

He's back...

2006-12-05T13:53:00.000-08:00

I was at a conference last weekend for work, and came across an amazing book entitled "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Bitch." I bought it because I suffer from the terminal illnesses known as "The Good Girl Syndrom" and "Toxic Niceness." I hear that both illnesses are treatable with a simple remedy of saying "No."

Anyways, I was skimming through the book when I got back home on Sunday and had an ephiphany. There was a quote that struck me..."If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten." It makes complete sense to me, so why didn't I think of that myself? I promptly made the conscious decision, that the next time a guy approaches me, rather than running away, which is what I normally do (even though I say I don't), I'll do the opposite...stay there, no matter how uncomfortable I feel, and see what happens.

Lo and behold, I check my email on Monday morning, and there's an email from HIM...as my friend says, my Steve Urkel. He's been chasing me off and on since high school ten years ago. My friends all know of him, although they've never met him, but our "relationship" (and I use that term very loosely is something of a comedy. The way he describes himself around other women, and the way he acts around me is completely different. His version of how we met and my version are completely different. How we kept in touch, and ended up going on a couple of dates again are different. He says I was his first love, but I don't believe him.

I know I've changed over the past ten years, and I hope to God he has too. I guess my dilemma is: what do I do? For all I know, all he wants is a friendship, but judging from the things he's said in past emails, it's likely that he wants more. And although I'm flattered by the attention, I can't figure out if I'm genuinely interested, or just happy about the attention (trust me folks, it happens very rarely for me). I haven't seen him in ten years, but the opportunity to see him is pretty much my call. I have a few events in the next two weeks that I can invite him to, but not sure if I should because I really do not want to lead him on. I have no problem being a friend to him, but not sure if I want more.

Advice? please?

2006-11-12T00:06:00.000-08:00

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

Osama

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?

K-fed

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

parents who don't know how to take care of their kids

4. What is your favorite cheese? american

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?

i wouldn't make it. i'd have my dad make it. he makes the best sandwiches out of the weirdest stuff!

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie (porn counts) celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?

Morris Chestnut

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick? John Legend

8. Now that you've slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?

I'll probably go shopping.

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Italy or Spain.

10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Shit! Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do?

Shop!

11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is...?

Mango Margaritas and Vodka Sours...yum!

12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?

I'd go to when my grandparents were alive to see what they were like.

13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

World peace :-)

14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what's the premise?

"How to be sexy without looking like a ho"
15. What is your favorite curse word? shit...but my new one is f*ing a.

16. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Leave <---- ditto datbury :-)

17. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don't worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely.So what's the item?

mr. bear

18. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?

what any red-blooded american woman would do...i'd find the hottest guy and take him to the nearest darkened corner/room and...GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be?

I think I'd like to have the ability to make stupid people smart.

20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

that fateful day in junior high when i ran home instead of meeting my crush under the stairs ;-)

21. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? (the answer "nothing" doesn't count)

that one night at hollywood.

22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit... you can move to anywhere else in the world! Bitchin'! What country are you going to live in now?

Italy or spain...maybe even one of the islands

23. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?

the one with decent educated guys

24. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question.... If you did, then we'll just expand on that. Check it out... Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like "Dude, check it out... I can FLOAT!"?

i'd go to school and freak out my students

25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?

elvis

26. The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn't think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

my paternal grandmother. i'm told i'm the spitting image of her

27. What's your theme song? Girls just wanna have fun~

Dreams...

2006-10-16T11:34:00.000-07:00

For the past week, I've had two dreams that have kind of freaked me out...both involving my psycho stalker (if you don't know who that is, read my previous blog). My psycho stalker isn't really psycho. He's a nice guy who's pursued me for the past 10 years. Apparently I was his first love (we only went on two dates), and everytime I finally think I've gotten rid of him, he pops back into my life via phone call, greeting card/letter, or email. He's absolutly not my type, but in the first dream, I was two months preggers with his kid, and in the second dream, he came over to my parents' house (i was living there in the dream) and had breakfast with me.

This concerns me for two reasons: #1 - i have no romantic feelings towards him whatsoever, so why the heck am i dreaming about him, and #2 - is this God's way of telling me i'm supposed to be with him??? because if so, God and I are gonna have to have a very serious chat.

on another note, the guy that i am interested in, never called, so i guess that's the end of that. people keep telling me that i'm too picky...but seriously folks, is hoping that the guy i'm dating be financially stable and independent, lives on his own, have a heart for God,and knows how to treat a lady with respect too much to ask? i don't think that's being picky. i think that's knowing that that's what i deserve. i don't want some guy that's so messed up i have to fix him. i'm not super woman. i don't have magical powers. i cannot change a guy. i don't want him to change for me...if he's gonna change, he has to do it for himself. otherwise, what the heck is he doing it for??

whew...i feel better now...thanks :-)

Men...

2006-09-26T19:54:00.000-07:00

I'm a twenty-something (okay, pushing 30), fairly attractive, self-sufficient, level-headed, professional. I've never been married, don't have any kids, no psycho ex-boyfriends, but an occasional stalker...well one "stalker" who tends to find me every few years (he's harmless really). I'm educated. I'm strong. And although I seem to have a lot going for me, I always seem to attract the wrong kind of guy. I just don't understand men. I know this is the 21st century and women ask guys out all the time, but seriously...do they expect us to all the work? Short of wearing a sign saying "ask me out", I don't know what to do. And no, I'm not desperate. I don't want just any guy to ask me out. There's one in particular. Cute, sweet, God-fearing, educated, not cocky like most guys i know. Seems to be interested just by some of the things he says to me, but just when i think he's lost interest, or I've lost interest, he'll say something to catch my attention. I'll respond, and then nothing....

what the heck's a girl supposed to do????????????

Welcome to me...

2006-09-26T19:44:00.000-07:00

for those of you who are quite familiar with blogging, do you ever wish you could blog and not worry about what others will think about your thoughts? maybe you do, maybe you don't...either way, this is my way of blogging anonymously...i have a myspace page, but since i have so many friends on it, sometimes, i feel the need to say something, and not have them think diffrently about me. not sure if it makes sense to you, but it makes sense to me. sure, i'll have a few friends reading this blog, but whatever it is that i'm blogging about, chances are, they'll already know.

i guess what i'm saying is, this is my cyber journal. read it, ignore it, comment on it...i really don't care. but enjoy it :-)

Single in the City...

2006-01-14T22:45:00.000-08:00

So during the week I went to a singles event with a friend. I don't normally go out in the middle of the week, but thought "What the heck, I don't have anything else better to do!" Plus, it was FREE! I got all dolled up, in my humble opinion, looked awesome! Got there, and lo and behold, all the guys there were, ummm, how do I say this nicely...special. When I say "special" I don't mean that in a good way. There's a reason why those guys are single. If you're 34 and still living with Momma for no reason, that's not a great way to pick up women. But, I digress...that's not the point of this post. Actually, a newsreporter was there, and asked my friend and I if she could interview us. She said she had been doing research, and the research suggested that women that are educated and have a high IQ, have more trouble finding suitable guys to date. She also stated that women prefer guys with a higher IQ, while men prefer women with lower IQs. I know my opinion...what's yours?