View from the Top: Part 3

So today was our annual Thanksgiving lunch at school. One of the moms had a 2 month old baby, and I offered to hold her while Mom ate with her kinderbaby. I'll admit, my biological clock is ticking, but it's not ticking so loudly that I feel the need to find the nearest sperm donor and get knocked up!

While I rocked this precious little one to sleep, more than one person came to me and said I looked maternal, or like a natural, holding the baby. Yep..that's right, I guess I have the mommy gene.  And I'm cool with that. I WANT kids. I've ALWAYS wanted kids. But right now? uhhh no. Not with school, not with being single.

And when I was asked why I didn't have kids, I gave those reasons.  The response?  You don't need a husband to have a baby!

EXCUSE ME??? Have you met me?  This top of the tree apple does in fact NEED and WANT a husband before I have a baby.  I don't want to go through it alone! Do think single moms are amazing? ABSOLUTLY!  Would I choose to do it all by myself? Not unless I'm 40 and have adopted a kid...because that's my plan...

I get that I'm "old fashioned". But when did it become ok to say "screw it" and just let my morals fall by the wayside?  PLEASE don't misunderstand me. I get that things happen. I'm absolutly NOT saying that being a single parent is wrong or immoral.  What I am saying is that it's not right for me. If I do get to the point that I want a child, I'll adopt a kid who needs a good home, because I know there are plenty out there!

I'm just floored....

me...

crazy
shy
timid
fearless
outgoing
quiet
loud
determined
confident
not so sure of myself
selfish
giving
head in the clouds
down to earth
21st century
old school
independent
easy going
stubborn
control freak
scared
absent minded
me.

Diving In...

Remember when you were little and were learning how to swim? First you got to play in the little kiddie pool and splashed around, or maybe your parents put those water wings on you, and you got to splash around in the shallow end of the pool...but once you learned how to swim, you just dived in, right? No more sticking your toe in, or cautiously wading in...you just ran and jumped in, trying to make the biggest splash possible...




Isn't how we approach life kind of like that? Some of us are still splashing around the kiddie pool...afraid to even stick our toe in. Some of us have stuck our toe in and are cautiously wading in deeper, but afraid to go all in. And some of us have just run and jumped in, not even caring whether or not we can swim. But then there are those of us who have gone to the deep end, were comfortable there, and then drowned. And once we came up for air, we vowed we'd never do that again, because quite frankly, the experience sucked.



Until something comes along that makes us want to dive in again....



And yet there we stand, on the edge of the pool, sticking our toe in, so desperately wanting to be in the pool, but afraid of what might happen. We have every floatable contraption on us, so that we don't drown. And while we think we're protecting ourselves so that we can have fun, what we're really doing is keeping ourselves from fully experiencing the deep end of the pool.



Or maybe we're actually in the pool, but still in the shallow end where our feet can touch the ground...or maybe we're actually in teh deep end, but holding on to the edge of the pool.



Regardless of where we are, the real fun comes from letting go and diving in. Trusting that even though we can't swim that well, the person we're with won't hurt us while we're there. And if they do? We doggy paddle to the edge or yell for help, and pull ourselves out of the deep end, so that we can take a deep breath and try all over again...



So...where are you? I know that I'm not in the deep end yet...but I'd like to be...

Randomness

1. i don't like being the outsider...it sucks.
2. usually, i get what i go after...except when it comes to ________.
3. being patient is a virtue, and one that i'm getting increasingly better at.
4. my teens are pretty dang smart. I continue to be inspired by them. i <3 them!
5. if it's meant t be, it'll happen no matter how stubborn I am.
6. re: #2 and #3...grrrrrr
7. actions speak louder than words...
8. sometimes adults are just as bad as kids...
9. the picture in my head no longer exists...it's gotten pretty fuzzy as the years go by...
10. i took the first step into making a dream of mine a reality...will find out more in december. prayers please!
11. proverbs 31...know it, love it, own it, be it (or at least strive to be it...)
12. who i was (or rather who people percieved me to be) is NOT who i am anymore...

What People See...

I had a long conversation with someone via text tonight...it was fun and flirtatious...one of those playful banter conversations that bring a smile to your face when you see that little text message icon pop up on your cell phone. And during this multihour text conversation, my past came back to haunt me. Granted, my past isn't bad. I don't have any skeletons in my closet that i'm not willing to share. I don't regret anything from my past because it molded and shaped me into the woman I am today.

However.

It's amazing to me that people (men) still see something in me that never was, isn't, nor ever will be...

The State of Dawn

Every year on my birthday, I write a "state of teh union" address...tonight, the guy @ Potbelly asked me what I wanted for my birthday...did I want anything special, he asked...well, here's my response.




I want money...to pay off all my bills and my family's bills.

I want true love...to be with the man of God's dreams for me, to start a family, and build a life together...

I want peace, in all areas of my life where there's unrest.



And then, in thinking of all the things that I want for my birthday, I realized that what I do have, is MORE than what I could ever ask for.



Yes, I have bills to pay...more bills than I'd like to pay. However, I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my fridge, electricity to run that fridge, a car to drive, and tons of NON-essentials that I'm very blessed to have.



Yes, I want true love. I want a husband and a family. However, I"m blessed with the unconditional love of God, my father. I'm also blessed with the unconditional love of my family and my friends. My husband, well he'll come soon enough, IF and WHEN God is ready to share me.



Yes, I want peace. But peace can also be misinterpreted as complacentcy. I have peace in my life. The areas of unrest are areas where I know I'd like to see change, but for whatever reason, God's still working on those aspects of my life. Those areas of unrest are like a grain of sand in an oyster. Although annoying and pesky, eventually that unrest will turn in to a beautiful pearl of life!!



I have to say, I was not looking forward to my 30th year, but what a blast it has been. Like a fine wine, I get better with age, and I'm looking forward to sharing my 31st year (any many many many more) with each and every one of you.



Love you!!

~d

When God Answers Prayer...

He doesn't shout them from the roof tops.
He doesn't strike you with a bolt of lightening.
He doens't use flashing neon signs.

It would be nice if He did...wouldn't it?

He doesn't write it on your forehead.
He doesn't paint it on a billboard.
He doesn't even put on TV...

or does He?

I think when God answers prayer,
He does so quietly.
It's a whisper
It's a grace
It's sometimes so small
we don't even notice.

I think when God answers a prayer,
somewhere deep inside,
you know.
Only, you don't realize it...
until you do.

I think when God answers a prayer,
He uses me,
He uses you,
and sometimes,
He uses someone you don't know.
A stranger.

I think when God answers a prayer,
He whispers it you
and you'll hear it in your soul.

View from the Top: Part 2

I didn't think part 2 would be necessary when I wrote the first note. But apparently it is...

At dinner with friends tonight, the following question was asked:

When did it become okay for men to stop opening doors, pulling out chairs, and be chivalrous?
When did it become okay for men to stop pursuing women?
When did it become okay for a woman to pay for her own meal on a date?

There are all these books for women on how to find, date, and keep Mr. Right, but are there books for men on how to find, date, and keep Miss Right?!

Are men so afraid of offending, or dare I say REJECTION, that they don't know how to 'man up' and take control of a dating situation? I'm sorry if I offend, but I'm just trying to understand WHY men don't pursue women anymore...

I realize that there's women's lib, and women like to be independent, and don't need men to do a lot of things for them, HOWEVER, this is one independent women who likes to be pursued. I realize it's okay for women to ask men out, and call men, and pursue men, are we doing a disservice to men by being TOO independent?

I'd LOVE your thoughts (from men AND women) on this...

The View from the Top...

You know that apple email/poem that people like to send single women? You know...the one about how we're all "top of the tree apples", but sometimes we feel like we're crap because no one (guys) don't pick us? The poem that says we don't fall of the tree for just anyone to pick us, we patiently wait at the top for the "right" guy to pick us? And it goes on to say that us "top of the tree apples" start to feel like we're not worthy, and we'll never be "picked". you know... THAT poem...you know which one I'm talking about?




And you know how when you're single, everyone wants to suggest books to you based on the following topics: "you're single, deal with it" books or "how to find a husband in 4 days" or something like that...



And then begins the advice...

WELL.

LET ME JUST TELL YOU. I'M SICK OF ADVICE.



So, here's a little something I call (drumroll please....)



The View from the Top

Thoughts from a single girl to the rest of you...



You see, I'm a top of the tree apple. I have my $**t together. I'm a woman of God, educated, I'm financially stable, I own my condo. I haven't used a credit card in years. I'm fairly easy going, and like the rest of you out there, I have my quirks. Basically, not to toot my own horn, but I have a lot going for me, and I know I'm going places. And although I'm going places, I really don't want to go it alone. Yes, I'm single and fiercely independent, but there are days a hug from that special guy, or just cuddling on the couch with him would make things all better.



HOWEVER. (yes, that deserved all caps).



People (bless their little hearts) can be hurtful without realizing. Those that love us top of the tree apples, really want what's best for us. They want us to be as blissfully (insert sarcasm here) happy and in love as they are. They think, that we can't possibly be as happy as they are unless we're married. And, maybe they're right. I don't know. I've never been married. I know how flippin happy I am most days. I know how truly and incredibly blessed I am each and every day. Throw being in love on top of that, and I just might be on cloud 9. Being in love really gets you goofy. I won't lie...I love that feeling!



Us self-confident top of the tree apples, every once in a while, have those self-doubting moments, where we feel like we're crap, and we'll never find Mr. Right. We feel like we're pond scum, and no guy will ever want us because we're too stubborn, not cute enough, our butts/noses/heads are too big, too quirky, too smart, or too independent (or maybe that's just me....).



And it seems, that when we get into these funks, you married folks seem to be drawn to it like a monkey to a banana cake. It's like you can sense it (or it is REALLY written all over our faces??). And when we get into these self-depreciating modes (sorry for the psychobabble), that's when the "advice" comes in.



"You're just to pretty for your own good"

"If you'd get your nose out of a book, you'd find Mr. Right" (personal rebuttal...I'm STUDYING!!!)

"You're too intimidating"

"He's just too stupid to realize what's in front of him" (oh, wait...that one's actually true ;-) ).



So us top of the tree apples are basically being told to ugly it up, dumb it down, and look weak. I know, I know...that's not what you're saying, but that's the way it comes across when we're in these funks. And those words, albeit meant to be helpful and funny, really do a lot more damage to our hearts and heads than you realize.



Unfortunately, you'll never know when we're in these funks, because we're masters at hiding it. We don't want you to know that altough we love being single most days, we (or maybe just I) would much rather have what you appear to have...a fabulous relationship (note, I said RELATIONSHIP and not one night stand or hook-up) in which we can share all the great things that our going on in our lives. We really do want this for ourselves one day. Today might NOT be the day for some, but for others it is. And then there are those singles who are perfectly content being single for the rest of their lives. I'm not one of them, but if that's what God wants for me, I'll deal with it.



So...bottom line married/attached folks. Love your single people. Honor them, cherish them, envy them. But stop with the advice. If you REALLY want to help them...set them up (with their permission of course) with an ELIGIBLE suitor...and by eligible, I mean not someone who just happens to be single...set them up with someone you think will be a good match for them. Actually THINK about it!



And if you're single and don't want to be anymore (and this is specifically for the guys out there)...GO AFTER YOUR GIRL! Pursue her! Call her! Flirt with her! Yes us top of the tree apples are independent, yes, we go after what we want, BUT this is ONE area in which she might not want to be in control...MAN UP men!!! Don't let her intelligence/independence (or your insecurity) get in the way!! GO AFTER IT!!! You'll know if she's into you...

Randomness

If you drag your feet long enough, you'll miss out on a good thing...yes, i'm talking to YOU. ;-)

Sigh...I have champagne dreams on a tap water budget. Why can't I recklessly spend and use my credit card like so many others?

Strength is not just a physical aspect, but mental and emotional too. Since that's the case, I'm ripped!!!

The morning after the 7 hours from hell, I realized that I had truly forgiven him...not just in words, but in my heart.

I'm a 'top of the tree' apple dammit. Just patiently waiting to be picked...but not just by anybody. I DO have standards.

Oh, and a Proverbs 31 woman. If you don't know it, you should.

You are a buttmunch. yes, i'm talking to YOU...;-)

I have crazy dreams for myself...crazy insane dreams...and one day, they WILL come true...I feel it in my bones...God's fabulous isn't He?

I can't believe I'm working on a doctorate...when/how the heck did THAT happen?

Hi my name is Dawn and I'm addicted to shoes, purses, chocolate, and hugs.

ugh...

it's 10:36pm on a sunday night. i'm on summer break, and rather than celebrate the fact that i'm summer break, i'm lying in bed, slightly peeved that i missed out on hanging out with friends this weekend. this doctorate is SERIOUSLY putting a damper on my social life. i've had to miss out on pool parties, lunch dates, birthday celebrations, and despite the 4.0 that i'm currently happy about, not much else to show for it. i know in the end, it'll be worth it...but in the mean time, i'm seriously not happy with this program. family time has drastically been cut down, friend time has been drastically cut down...me time has drastically been cut down...and i'm not doing my usual 'wait till the last minute because i work much better under pressure' routine...i'm ACTUALLY reading the chapters, and doing the research, and not BSing my way through class as i have in previous programs. i'm ACTUALLY putting forth the effort. and i'm not having fun...well, i do when i'm with my class and we're goofing off, but in the mean time...it sucks. i miss my life, and i miss my friends.

:-(

I keep coming back to Jeremiah 29:11-14. If you don't know what it says, here it is:




For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. [a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."



Ok, now about these plans. Ever since I was a little girl, there were two plans I had for myself. 1. Be a teacher, 2. Get married and have kids.



Well, plan 1 happened, 2, hasn't...yet. I haven't given up on that one yet, although there are days when I wonder...



ANYWAYS... being a teacher. I never looked past that. that was the ceiling for me. It was all I ever wanted. Even after college, I had no desire to go back and get my masters. And then one day, I did. And being a counselor has been MORE than I could have ever imagined. I LOVE my job (most days). I LOVE the kids I work with (most days), and for a while, I felt like I had finally found my calling.



And then, one day, there was a little nudge. I ignored it. The nudge became a stronger little pull...again, I ignored it. And one day, it came to me...a community center. Open a non-profit community center in the heart of TC. I didn't grow up in TC, I have no ties to TC, but for some reason, I feel led to plant myself there. Somehow, without my consent, TC planted itself in my heart. I had no idea HOW, or WHEN, or WHY, but I KNEW that it would happen one day. And then the plan came...at least on paper. The name, the set up, how it would work, what would be offered...it's all there, on a sheet of paper that somehow has withstood the test of time, and multiple passings of my mother's habit of throwing things away...it slipped to the back of my head, and then once again, I had a tiny nudge telling me to go back to school.



So, here I am...insanely working on this degree called a doctorate. I know it'll be worth it, but the past year has been CrAzY to say the least...again, didn't see this coming. But once again, I felt a nudge reminding me of that community center. STILL not sure how it would happen, STILL not sure it WOULD happen...and then one day, it came to me...I've been saying for years (at least 3) that my school needed an after school program. I've made phone calls, talked to people, who are ALL in agreement that it needs to happen, but no starting off point. Guess what?! That's how I get the community center. Start it off as an after school program....but the administrative part. I know NOTHING about that...



and then there was that dang nudge again..."you're not done yet...." was what I kept hearing..."I have MORE for you..." is what I kept hearing...and then, it came to me again..."get your midmanagement certification"....WHAT?! i HAVE NO FLIPPIN DESIRE TO BE AN AP OR A PRINCIPAL...ARE YOU ON CRACK GOD??? Apparently HE is smoking some holy weed or something (sorry if that offends anyone...) While i'm down here wondering what the HECK is going on with my life, He's up there, intertwining the fabric of my life...taking this thread and sewing it to that one, and slowly creating this masterpiece that I didn't anticipate.



And on top of it all, it all falls in line with my dissertation...and if all works out the way I pray it does, I'll get the funding for my afterschool program this year, to start it next year, to gather data for my research just in time for all my coursework to be finished!!!



I had this one plan for my life. He has taken that plan, smashed it in a billion pieces, and opened door number 2...saying, "THIS is my plan for you...if you'll let me, I'll show you the way..."



and here I am...very cautiously taking that step through that door. Again, I have NO idea where I'm going, but with GOD leading me, it can only be good!!!

Cheese 'n Crackers vs. the Banquet

Note: This is a repost from 2007...




For those of you who know, I'm a cradle Catholic. I LOVE being Catholic, I love the traditions, I love the history, I love God. But there are times where I feel like I'm not being spirtually fed, and in times such as these, I pray, and sometimes, I go to a different church just to get another perspective. This Sunday, I was led to Grace Community, a non-denominational church. I know that some of my Catholic friends may scoff at the idea of going to a church of a different denomination, and they are entitled to their own opionion. For me though, it's not about religion, it's about the relationship, and the message that I got this Sunday, was not one that I think I would have gotten out of Mass.



Anyways, Pastor Scott started off the message asking us if we were hungry...not spiritually hungry (as one would expect at a church service), but physically hungry. He said he knew that sometimes us churchgoers get hungry in the middle of worship, and that he knew there were times when he wanted a snack in the middle of church...but who does that? Eat in the middle of worship??? uhhh NO WAY! The next thing I knew, the ushers were coming in with boxes of cheese and crackers for everyone in the congregation. Seriously, they were passing out little packages of cheese and crackers. Now, I did not open my package, although I was starving, but those around me were tearing into their packages like a starving monkey on banana cake.



Pastor Scott then starts talking about a variety of things...he talks about the Prodigal Son, he talks about inheritance, he talks about if God created the world in 6 days, the Heaven must be beautiful because He's been working on that for 2000 years...we must live in a garbage dump (I found this particular thought very profound)



But what got me was the following:



We work so hard at building our lives...but are they really ours to build? All the things we have, all the things we ask for, they mean absolutly nothing if it's not what God has in store for us...if it's not God's will, then what's the point? Of course, God gave us free will, so we always have a choice, but when it all boils down to it, are we settling for the cheese and crackers that we earn ourselves, or are we waiting for the banquet that God has for us? Think about it. Think about all that has happened in your life. Is it God-inspired or is it something else?



This is what I learned...if I want to truly live God's will, I have to hand EVERYTHING in my life over to HIM. Me being the control freak that I am, have to hand it all over...I can't keep grabbing it back when I think I can handle it on my own (ie: my dating life). How else is He supposed to work in my life if I do that? Seriously, in my life, do I really just want the cheese and crackers? Or, do I want the banquet? Quite frankly, I want the banquet. I want it all. I want whatever God has in store for me, and in order to do that, I have to let Him have control. I have to hand it all over, and just trust. I have to let go and let God.



Don't you think it's time you did?

Thank You Sir Uncle!!

When I was a little girl, if you had asked me if I wanted to take a road trip with my dad to Connecticut, I would have enthusiastically said yes. I would have been excited about it, would have been bragging to all my friends, and would have been looking forward to it for weeks.




If you had asked me the same question when I was a teenager, I still would have gone...maybe not as enthusiastic about it, but I sitll would have gone.



You couldn't have PAID me to go when I was in college, or in my twenties. I would have laughed in your face, and called you crazy.



But, just yesterday, Friday, April 17, I returned from a weeklong trip with my dad. There's no way I could have said no. My great "Sir" Uncle Attis passed away on Thursday, April 9. He was a great man to whom my dad looked up to. They often spoke for hours on end, just talking about life, family, and the problems of the world. My dear sweet "sir" uncle took my dad under his wing, and advised him on many things. He listened to my dad, as did my dad to him. A lot of who my dad is today is because of Uncle Attis, and for that I'm very greatful.



Going into this trip, I was hopeful. Hopeful that we wouldn't get into WW3 (or 4 or 5 or 6); hopeful that we would have a decent time, and were both mature enough to know when to walk away and not annoy each other (as we're known to do). My dad and I haven't always gotten along. There have been days, weeks, and months, that we've gone without speaking to one another. Often times, it was over something trivial, and usually it was my mom who had to play "gobetween" in our ongoing feuds. We're both so senstivie and stubborn. Always walking on eggshells around each other because we don't want to say or do something to upset the other. It's frustrating really, so to say that I was going on this trip with my dad without reservation would have been a lie.



But, that's exactly what I did. I went on this trip, because I knew how much Uncle Attis meant to my dad, and I did not want him to make this trip on his own. Despite our arguements in the past, I felt that for one week, I could put it aside and just be there for my Daddy.



What a week it has been. From the time we left, the trip was wonderful. We laughed till we cried, and we cried till we laughed. Memories were made and I saw a very different side to my dad. I saw a man who has extreme will power and determination. I saw a man whit unconditional love for his family. I saw a man who has a heart of gold. Of course, I knew all of this from the get go, but this week, it was like God himself, took a cloth and polished my dad up like new...



My uncle's passing is indeed sad and heartbreaking, but I can't help wonder if "Sir" Uncle knew what he was doing when he passed...yes, we're all sad, yes, we all miss him. He left an unfillable hole in each of our hearts. But, if he hadn't passed, my dad and I wouldn't have taken this trip together. I wouldn't have bonded with Rah-knee (love you girlie!!), and I wouldn't have a new outlook on my family...yep, "Sir" Uncle knew exactly what he was doing, and for that, I'm very thankful...

The following song is AMAZING and perfectly captures what I'm feeling at this exact moment....how do you show people who you truly are??? Seriously, there are maybe 3 people in the ENTIRE world who truly know me....

'Behind the Scenes' by Francesca Battistelli

You may think
I’m just fine
How could anything
Ever be out of line?

I take my time
To set the stage
To make sure everything
Is all in place

Even though I’ve got the lines rehearsed
A picture only paints a thousand words

(Chorus)
Things aren’t always what they seem
You’re only seeing part of me
There’s more than you could ever know
Behind the scenes
I’m incomplete and I’m undone
But I suppose like everyone
There’s so much more that’s going on
Behind the scenes

Sometimes I can’t see
Anything
Through the dark
Surrounding me
And at times I’m unsure
About the ground
Beneath my feet
If it’s safe and sound

When it’s hard to find hope in the unseen
I have peace in knowing it will find me

(Chorus)

You may think I’m just fine
How could anything ever be out of line?

(Chorus)

The Dating Game...

ok...this whole dating thing is quite confusing to me...
boy meets girl.
boy is interested in girl.
boy flirts with girl for 6 months.
girl tries to ignore boy but boy is quite persistant.
girl gets over herself and gives boy a chance.
girl is pleasently surprised by all the fun she's having, however...
apparently boy is only interested in her Monday-Friday...weekends are off limits.

this is crazy to me.

3 dates have been broken this week...all by him, because he was tired, or bummed because of something that happened at work.

is it rude to expect a courtesy call? i don't care if our plans weren't officially confirmed...we talked about it, he said he'd let me know, and then nothing...not a text, not a call, nada.

i hate the game playing. i hate it!!! it should not be this hard should it? seriously? as much as i would love to find 'the one', the process of finding him is horrible.

Grrr....

Is there a sign on my forehead that i'm unaware of? Seriously...does it say somewhere on me that my emotions are a toy? Do I give off the vibe that I'm not capable of a relationship and only good for games??? I'm sooo sick of guys pursuing me, and then the MINUTE I show interest, they drop me like a hot potato and get all goofy.

All I want is for a nice, decent, God fearing man to look at me and say, "hey, she could be the one!"...why is it so hard to find that? what's wrong with wanting to be pursued and treasured???

I know I'm worth it, which is why I guard my heart, I don't want to get hurt, yet when I finally figure out that I'm actually interested in the guy, it seems as though i've waited too long and they've lost interest!

what's a girl to do???

New Year's Resolutions...revisited

So, after perusing a year's worth of blogs, I finally found them...my resolutions for 2008...here they are (as well as my thoughts and comments)...

to forgive
I forgave myself...for many things. For not living to my true self, for walking away from God, for doubting myself, and not standing up for myself

to find
I found God again...and many long lost friends :-)and I found me again (if you knew what I truly went through in 2008, you just might understand what I mean...only a chosen few truly know...)

to let go
I finally let go of "him" and the idea of what he meant to me...

to love
Unconditionally. I do :-) and to even entertain the idea of falling in love again. (i know some of you don't think I fell in love in 3 months, but I did...)

to stand
up for myself...I did! woo hoo. Sometimes, you have to. Sometimes you have to walk away from those who bring nothing but darkness to your sunshiny days.

to give
of myself. To my family, to my friends, to my coworkers and students, and to the community.

to pray
well, actually, to start praying again. like I said...I walked away from God. But He and I are BFF again :-) I'm loving my hour at the Chapel...look forward to it each week!

to honor
myself...To not do anything that in 20 years I might regret...in other words, if I'm ashamed of it now, I'd be ashamed of it then...and I didn't want that. To honor my family as well, for all that they have done for me. I think I've done that. At least I hope so. To honor my friends as well...I hope I've honored each of you...

to laugh
till I cried...and i did...MANY times. THANKS for the memories!

to not regret
I don't regret anything...any moment, any memory, any action.

to not hold back
and I haven't. ask me a question, and I'll tell you the answer :-)

to be honest
to each and everyone of you...in my thoughts and actions, in my conversations, and all aspects of my life. I have :-)

to live
life to the fullest...to be my truest self. to be my authentic self. I can say that I have!

Happy New Years Everyone!

I did what?!

It's been a week. This time last week, I was sitting in Mi Tierra's in San Antonio having dinner with GCRC, the greatest running club ever. This time last week, I was sititng there, barely conscious, with a heavy piece of hardware hanging from my neck. This time last week, I had just completed my first FULL 26.2 MARATHON!

I'm still having trouble comprehending it. I still haven't wrapped my head around what I did. It's STILL a blur to me.

I can tell you this though...the first 5 miles, although cold, were fairly easy. On a scale of 1-10, 1 being a mosquito bite, and 10 being childbirth, I think the pain factor was maybe a 3. My ankles were killing me, as they often do, but I wasn't giving in. Shortly after mile 6, I broke my cardinal rule of not going to the bathroom during a race, and took a 20 minute break waiting for the restroom at the Valero station (still haven't used a port-a-pottie!!! woo hoo!). Miles 6-13 were ok, just painful, and I wasn't sure I could do it, although failure wasn't an option. 13-26.2 were a complete blur. I just remember long, quiet, desolate roads going through the missions of San Antonio. I don't remeber what I thought about or what I contemplated...actually, I don't think I thought about much during that 26.2 trek.

I can tell you this though...I completed a freakin marathon last Sunday. 26.2 miles. I could NOT have done it without the 3 Amigas, Jennifer and Angie...Ladies, you rock, and I thank you so much for encouraging me and guiding me and pulling me along, even when I wasn't in the best moods.

Thank you to all of you who prayed, who sent text messages, who called, and especially Pat who brought cookies, although if you text me those "encouraging" messages again, I'll have to hurt you!

A freakin marathon...holy cow! Yes, I'll do it again in a heartbeat...it'll either be San Antonio, OR Vegas in Dec. 09... WOO HOO!!!!

Moods...

I'm in a mood.

Not a bad mood. I'm not angry, I'm not upset, not even sad. Actually, quite the opposite.

I'm excited, and I don't know why.

I feel anxious...I'm anticipating something, but I don't know what it is. It's like God has whispered something beautifully wonderful and fabulous in my ear, but I wasn't paying attention, and I can't remember what He told me...I just know that whatever it was/is that's coming, it's gonna be great.

It could be this marathon that's coming up, but I don't think it is. I literally feel like dancing. As a matter of fact, at this very moment, I have my favorite songs playing on my computer, and every once in a while, I'll get up and dance around in my room...silly, I know, but I know you do it to, so don't even TRY to pretend that I'm goofy. We already know that I am and you are too :-)

Anyways, anticipation...I feel something great coming. Not sure what it is, but I know God's been preparing me for it, whatever it is. I'm soooo not the chick I was 6 months ago, and even less of who I was a year ago...a broken shell of myself slowly trying to pick myself back up and put myself back together again. I'm Dawn, new and improved, stronger, smarter, and better than ever!

I can't WAIT to see what God has in store for me...call me crazy, but I KNOW it's gonna be good!

WOO HOO!

it's all about the bling....

A little over a week ago I decided to run the San Antonio Full Marathon instead of the half marathon. Crazy, I know. Me...the chick who HATES to run, who HATES to sweat, who HATES to get dirty. The chick who doesn't have an athletic bone in my body...
or so I thought.

Who I was, I'm not anymore. Yes, I'm a klutz. That will never change. But unathletic? Not anymore. I, my dear sweet friends, am an athlete. I am a runner. Ok, maybe not a full fledged runner, but at least I'm out there...jogging and walking. I have no desire to win, but a desire to finish. It's not about WHEN I cross the finish line, but that I DO cross the finish line. It's not about how FAST I do it, it's about HOW I do it.

There's a point to this, I promise.

Think about your own lives...the journeys that you are on. For some of you, you've been dealing with bs for quite a while now. And I'm sure the thought going on through your head is, "God, WHEN is this going to be over?? How LONG do I have to deal with (insert issue, problem, or person here)."

Guess what?! It's not about how long you go through that trial, it's about how you go through that trial. Whether you finish first or last, the prize at the end of the race is the same. Whether it takes me 4 hours or 7.5 hours to complete that marathon, my bling will be exactly the same as all those that finished before me...and it might be a little shinier to me because of all the aches and pains that I experienced trying to get it...

Are you going to come out of your race drenched in sweat but with a smile on your face saying that the pain was totally worth the bling? Or are you going to quit in the middle, regretting walking away? Or are you going to finish but complaining about all the aches and pains, and promising never to race again?

I know how I want to finish my race...what about you?